The Nonsense Never Stops...

Freedom?

2011-11-01T14:58:00.004-04:00

When one looks at human existence as a whole, it may be a common theme to question the grand purpose of it all. Perhaps it is within the individual to define their own, but if that were the case, why are we so adamantly told what to do on a regular basis? There are several elements who can take responsibility for this: parents, govenment, laws, advertisements, corporations, the education system, subliminal or outward messages in mass media, evolutionary biology and societal/peer pressure.

Each has come up with a systematic code of rules and regulations to dictate behavior, and in most cases also have a substantial say in men and women's desires, ambitions and final fates. Go to college, get a job, get married, hate yourself, have kids that repeat the process. We all know the story...

For some, this is the accepted fate. Others may rebel and ultimately find themselves trapped in the end against their will, regardless. Some are just lost to the undesirable outskirts of society and labeled misfits, bums, criminals or loons.

The select few who rise above the system, are often forced to abandon their own beliefs to appease the machine representatives that are lining their pockets. Many fall victim to the corruption within the system. Can they be blamed? Is poverty with a side of pure idealism really a better alternative than being a wealthy puppet in a time of economic hardship?

This leaves the question, does true freedom really exist? If not freedom of action or belief, how about freedom from judgment or persecution for making a decision or choosing a path that doesn't fit the mainstream way of thinking?

If the answer is no, which the current state of humanity suggests, then just how far have we really evolved as a species? Are we no better than animals who live their lives in cold blood, at the fickle whims of nature's calls?

Centuries ago, the church killed Galileo for being correct about the sun's place at the center of the solar system. Today, a relative genius who comes up with an alternative form of energy that would challenge the oil moguls in power, may catch a bullet to the dome without an apology. Humanity's collective resistance to positive change because of a few backwards schmucks in power raises even more burning questions.

If minds are told how to think from start to finish, how can true innovation continue? Perhaps only through a deeply-dug attitude of 'fuck these rules...I'm making my own form of progress'.

It may be considered a selfish philosophy and you may even make a few enemies along the way, but at least you will laugh with the gods at the end of the ride, as Bukowski would say. If you happen to disagree, then your reserved spot is waiting in the eternal line of the faceless.

Capitalistic Confusion:

2011-08-30T23:36:00.001-04:00

The man stands confused beneath the bright and intoxicating lights of his surroundings, contemplating the direction of his next step. He is both distracted and withdrawn, as if his life was represented by a skim through random pages of a dull book: a passive effort for material that may be worth a continued read. A shameless whirlwind of contradictions has encased him in plain sight, adding momentum to his inertia.

An anti-smoking message is plastered on a bus-stop across the street from a tobacco shop. A gentleman’s club and an abortion clinic compete for business on the same block as a car dealership with several “no-parking” signs out front. A McDonalds and a hole-in-the-wall fitness center coexist and thrive side-by-side, like a binary star of conflicting interests.

With the absence of logic, depth or consistency to the elements that fill his senses, he presses on for answers that may never be found in today’s society. Where is his role in the madness? He silently wonders, as the world transforms into a floating, spherical banner-ad of agendas that one can’t just simply click off the screen.

Does he buy?... How much?

Or sell?...What item to whom?

Do his values mean anything in the grand scheme of things if they’re not profitable, cliché or flashy?

How does he salvage the little faith he has left in what can’t be measured in dollars and cents?

The questions became too thick to think through, forcing him into a final decision that involved a deep breath to collect his racing thoughts. Perhaps, his only option for sanity was the power of his own imagination…

“he said HE said …”

2008-12-12T16:31:00.003-05:00

A corrupt hybrid pastor/politician was jailed for writing that God would smite a certain judge for giving him a probation sentence.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28180948/?gt1=43001

The following article excerpt contains what the pastor actually said.

“The man wrote that after being convicted and sentenced to probation in 2007 for paying people to vote in a Benton Harbor recall election, Edward Pinkney wrote an article in a small Chicago newspaper saying the judge who handled the case could be punished by God with curses, fever and "extreme burning" unless he changed his ways.”

Idiotic turn of events indeed… and decent enough fuel to swell the comedic fire. For starters, why bring God into this? The pastor was disciplined for trying to pay people to vote, and the judge was just doing his job in handing out a suitable sentence. Who the hell does this pastor think he is to volunteer God to threaten the judge for just following orders? This guy’s got some pair of balls.

Last I heard from his secretary, (her exact words…) ‘God’s got enough shit on his plate already, and he stopped taking retaliation requests months ago.’ As a person (according to the Bible) created in God’s image and likeness, I consider this an egregious abuse of religious power on the part of the pastor.

If you take a gander at the pastor’s threat in further detail, he maps out ‘curses, fever, and ‘extreme burning’’ as the exact methods of attack that he would choose, should God agree to his request.

Personally, if I were God, I wouldn’t pay attention to this idiot’s boring suggestions. Fevers are pretty easy to get rid of, and what the hell is ‘extreme burning’ supposed to be? How does he intend it to be any more vindicating than normal combustion techniques?

As for a counterpoint, the pastor shouldn’t have been jailed. Instead, everybody in the courtroom should have just laughed at him for trying to get God to actually leave his office, and come to earth to punish a judge. Everybody knows pastors hate being the ass of jokes, almost as much as they hate leading pious lives…

Another reason jail would be a step too far here, is because the man literally said the judge “could be punished…”. Not would, or will be, but could. What are the conditions involved? Whether or not God’s feeling a bit fatigued at the exact moment the pastor says: “Alright God, time to smite that dickhead of a judge..you up for it?” Maybe God doesn’t have the energy to give the judge a fit of ‘extreme burning’ that particular day. There’s not enough certainty in that statement for my tastes. I could wake up tomorrow with Ron Jeremy’s dick punching away at my ear. Is it possible? Sure. Will it happen? Hopefully not.

The next gripe I have is that the newspaper actually published this. Newspapers are supposed to print accurate truths, not violent petitions issed to deities by derranged clergymen . The paper didn’t even get a quote from God or his publicist Steve, confirming or denying the revenge request.

^^^ Irresponsible journalism at its best.

Is this some kind of a sick joke?

2008-12-10T10:32:00.005-05:00

The week started off pretty darn good.

When I walked into the office Monday morning, nobody ran over to my cubicle, and screamed "get the fuck out of here". My fantasy team had an inspiring, epic, playoff comeback win. My mother finally made a dinner that wasn’t comparable to a bag of Purina Dog Chow, and I avoided a cell-phone ticket thanks to my friend, (the venerable Sean McRae) being related to the cop that flagged me down.

Then the bomb dropped….

The good people at Fox must have read my Return of the Mack post a few days ago, (ripping both the 9-year-old pseudo-pimp that published a book on dating and the network itself,) because they obviously wanted to stick it to me, just a little bit more uncomfortably.

This is classic irony, because I even insultingly referred to the original article, which was published on MSN, as being something of 'Fox-proportions'. What happens next shouldn't really be a surprise at this point, but Fox just continues to push the envelope in being totally useless.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/movies.reuters.com-fox-adapt-9yearold39s-selfhelp-book-reuters

Turns out that according to the article, Fox wants to turn the book into a movie, and the kid is going to get a six figure deal out of it. I said in the original post that I wasn’t being a ‘hater’, but now this has clearly gone too far. In response to me making fun of Fox in print for the 70,000th time this year, I assume they've grown weary of my jabs and have decided to punish me by giving MY future movie deals away to midwestern children.

The above article quotes the kid on saying ‘not to wear sweats’ when approaching women. While this sounds practical, I will again refute this kid’s claims with yet another classic rap lyric. In Jay-Z’s ‘7-Minute Freestyle’ featuring the late legend Big L, Jay says the following:

“pullin R&B bitches...wearin’ hoodies”

For those of you who aren’t hip to the rap jargon, I’ll translate for you.

“I can attract pleasant-looking women with harmonious singing voices, all while wearing comfortable apparel.”

Now once again, Jay-Z, is currently married to Beyonce’, arguably one of the hottest chicks ever. And by his lyrics, it can be assumed that he courted her while wearing a cotton sweatshirt of some kind. Whether she is attracted to his wallet or not is irrelevant, because the lucky bastard still gets to ‘wax that ass’ on a regular basis.

My point here is that Jay-z is a much more accomplished ladies’ man, and I’ll take his word for it over some snot-nosed charlatan-in-training who gets compensated for diluting the movie and book industry.

Who are you gonna believe?

Entrance into the philosophical Doldrums: Madness ensues!

2008-12-08T16:49:00.005-05:00

To quote myself before the start of this year’s NFL season:

“If the Jags go 4 and 12, I’m just gonna have to kill somebody.”

(Note: That’s 4 wins and 12 losses for those unfortunate few who may not understand sports record lingo/notation)

(Note 2: For any law enforcement agencies that may troll blog websites looking for cyber criminals: That comment was made in total jest, so put your firearms down and go after the real scoundrels.)

Well, great news awaits. My Jags have 9 impressive losses with three ‘should-lose’ games remaining, and look about as spirited as a Sudanese hospital’s Ebola virus ward. While I don’t have it in me to take the life of some unsuspecting prick, this does have a very draining effect on Sundays, which is supposed to be the most glorious day of the week.

When you’re a fan of an awful NFL team that keeps getting their asses kicked every week, it’s a feeling of bitterness comparable to being Scrooge on Christmas before his psychotic ghost-induced epiphany. Except the ghosts of Jaguars’ past are all retired or crippled by now, and probably want nothing to do with the franchise... (And they definitely won't visit me on Christmas Eve in an attempt to quell my dissapointment..)

My mother is becoming more of an intolerable pain in the ass with each passing minute, (for anybody that knows my mother, you may find that particularly humorous), and the monotonous daily grind is ruining my optimism and clawing away at the inner fringes of my soul.

What is left is another entrance into a fun – and maddening - existential crisis.
Fun: because it gives you a fresh perspective on things that you hate.
Maddening: because the answers to life’s burning questions can only hope to reveal themselves through the passage of time.

I actually don’t even hate my job; it’s just a bit taxing to shake off the gut-wrenching effects of having to hear slight variations of the following boring office voicemail greetings… hundreds of times a day:

“[Insert generic business person’s name here] has ‘stepped’ away from their desk.”

Many finish with the following line- that contains NO sincerity whatsoever.

“Your business is important to us.”… Leave a message and [generic business person’s name] will get back to you at their earliest convenience.”

^^^ DAMN LIES.

One anonymous guy even goes as far to make a note that "he'll be in and out of meetings over the Thanksgiving Holiday..." What kind of cryptic shit is that? And unless I've been cruely misinformed...'Thanksgiving' itself only lasts 24 hours; eerily similar to a lot of other days of the year.

Assuming I leave about 150(generous approximate figure) voicemails in a productive work WEEK, (Productive as in only taking breaks every 10 minutes instead of 5) maybe only 3 or 4 total people will get back to me. I’m not even joking.

I’m then left to wonder…what could these people do all day that prevents them from dealing with a 3-second phone call that so often ends with something to the effect of: “Not interested..no advertising budget.” or “Not interested..my company sucks.”?

My experiences with these so-called industry professionals lead me to speculate that the current financial problems are not the result of shoddy ‘expert’ advice, people unable to repay debts, or irresponsible money lending – but maybe the result of people in the mortgage industry just refusing to answer their phones. Ever. That has to be it. It makes perfect sense…

These people claim ‘the market is tough right now’ as an excuse for their lack of business balls to make any moves…but I’m not buying it. There’s a simple solution:

Answer your phone, dickheads. Return some calls once in a while. Then maybe you’ll have some more customers, and you won’t be out of business in two weeks. Problem solved. You don't have to shrink or expand your target market, or even come up with exciting marketing gimmicks. Just sit down at your fucking desk for a few minutes...reach out your hand..pick up the phone..and use it. Holy Jesus.

Even if I don’t reveal my identity as an evil ad solicitor, they still don’t answer the majority of the time. What happens if I was offering them millions of dollars, or eternal salvation, or entrance to the fountain of youth? Would they still be ‘in a meeting’ or ‘on a 8-hour conference call’ or ‘having afternoon luncheons with their favorite prostitutes’ then?

What I’ve come to discover, is that in order to make MY job easier, many of these companies should have alternate greetings that say this:

“Hello! It’s a great day at [insert generic company name]! If this is Gerard calling from the Mortgage Press, don’t bother leaving a message! We only have so much mailbox space, and we’re saving it for the real customers! We’re certainly not advertising, AND we hate you”

This should then be followed by a touch-tone prompt that says:

“If this isn’t Gerard, press 1:
“Go ahead and leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Really.”

I wouldn’t be insulted in the least if this actually happened. In fact, I’d really appreciate the workplace integrity.

This is the type of shit you think of when you've veered too far from functional sanity. Thanks for your support.

Return of The Mack

2008-12-04T17:22:00.004-05:00

MSNBC.com has published another mind-blowingly pointless story(almost of fox-news proportions), this time about a 9-year-old 4th grader who wrote (and had published) a book on the art of seduction. That’s right. If you don’t believe me, the link is below.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28038281/?GT1=43001

The kid apparently observed his peers around the playground trying to put the mack down, and wrote down his findings in a notebook. He now apparently gets approached by people with courting inquiries, and gets to go on book tours. I don’t care how pathetic my dating life can get, (which doesn’t get much better than a few mediocre-to-ugly chicks every couple of months), I still wouldn’t ask a 9-year-old for advice, and you shouldn’t either. He’s probably not allowed to be UP, let alone OUT, past 8:00 PM on weeknights without getting a nice helping of belt-buckle imprints on the side of his dome from his angry, drunken father.

Note: I’m not being a hater here, I’m just pointin’ things out…

What goes on in these 4th grade playground pimpin’ proceedings (no alliteration intended), that made this kid think he was such a self-proclaimed Casanova?

Boy: Hi. I like the Rugrats!
Girl: Me too!
Boy: Blow me.
Girl: Ok!

(^^ doubtful scenario, but you never know with these kids these days)

I don’t even know where to begin with the insanity, but I’ll try to start somewhere. First of all, he’s 9 fucking years old. He probably doesn’t even know how his dick works yet. I can barely understand mine. What the hell could he possibly know about women? About anything, for that matter? I’m going to be 23 tomorrow, and I still have the emotional maturity of an amoeba. I don’t see how this kid could be any better off. (Right now anyway, I can’t say for when he’s my age…he might just snap under the pressure of fame, and kill somebody by then.) The last time somebody was considered to be a ladies man that young, he turned out to be Michael Jackson.
Seriously, what happens if this kid decides later on that he likes dudes? Then the people who published the book, and the people who interviewed the kid, are going to look like fairly big fools.

He is referred to as a ‘dating expert’. Incredibly pretentious on his part. He has neither the authority nor expertise to publish such a manuscript. No way can a 9-year-old fully understand the workings of the female sexual psyche through the blunders of a few nimrods on a fucking playground. Plus, anyone can talk a big game. Let’s see this kid in action. Let’s see him go up to a supermodel or porn star and run his ‘video games and ice cream’ crap on her and see if it works. I bet the little prick will be walking back with his tail between his legs. Like the rapper Big L once said. ‘Put your raggedy house up [brother], or shut your mouth up.

This would be like me watching a 30-minute show on quantum physics or gene splicing, and then trying to write a book about it to establish myself as an authority in the field. If I really tried to do this, I bet it sure as fuck wouldn’t get published – and I would be regarded as less of a man than I already am. Maybe I will try it though, just to get my own book tour and video feature on MSNBC.com.

Later on in the interview, the kid classifies chicks into two categories: ‘pretty’ and ‘regular girls.

Here is his quote.

“Well, pretty girls … all they care about is their looks. She doesn't care about a boy liking her, or how a boy feels about her. It's just, "Oh, do I look nice?" Regular girls can be pretty, too. Plus, a regular girl has other things on her mind and is fun to be around.”

While there may be a bit of surface infantile truth to his sentiments, it still leaves a lot to be desired. He neglects to mention the other well-known category of women, the ones that don’t respect the men themselves, but only really like their cars and wallets and girthy (probably a fake word) meat sticks. He’ll figure that one out later on…

Well if ‘a regular girl can be pretty, too’, what’s the point of classifying them in the first place? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Plus if I were a girl, I wouldn’t want to be grouped with the rest of the ‘regulars’…I’d feel insulted and shortchanged. You know how these women are. Plus, what exactly even constitutes a ‘regular girl’? Feedback is encouraged.

Even though I dislike 50 Cent now, a few years back he had used the phrase ‘regular bitch’ in the song ‘Patiently Waiting’, and used it in a strictly insulting manner.

“Your Bitch a regular Bitch
You calling her Wifey
I fucked her... feed her fast food
You keepin' her Icey”

The kid and 50 clearly have a difference of opinion on the worth of a regular girl. And although 50 has since stopped making cool songs, he still has been romantically tied to several hot celebrities throughout his career, so in ‘matters of mack’, 50 has the more authoritative voice.

Now I’m not blaming the kid for this. More power to his 15 minutes of fame for duping the country into thinking he knows what he’s talking about. I'm blaming the jerks that are actually taking him seriously.

Honesty: The Costliest Policy?

2008-12-04T15:15:00.005-05:00

Because I’m 6 weeks behind everything, I found out today that the NHL’s most hated player, Sean Avery, said the following quote (referring to one of his opponents dating his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert) in an interview during a morning practice session on Tuesday.

“I'm just going to say one thing. I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just wanted to comment on how, it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

Avery was then suspended for “inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game”, and will probably face more disciplinary action from the league and his team, the Dallas Stars.

I’m not an NHL fan in the least, however I do believe that this was the greatest thing ever said in a public forum. The fact that he was punished so harshly for it, is utterly ridiculous. He didn’t even use any profanity…he just stated a damn fact. The whole thing could have been avoided if people would find chicks that didn’t already fuck Sean Avery.

We have collectively reached a new low in the existence of mankind. Since when does a guy get slammed so hard (no homo) for just being honest? I thought integrity and honesty were supposed to be core human virtues.

Why would the reporters on hand even bring up his ex-girlfriend anyway? It has no relevance to the game in the first place, and then when they received a down-home, honest answer, he gets in trouble for it.

From what I’ve read…it seems as though Sean Avery is one of the biggest dicks in pro-sports. He’s allegedly made racist comments during games and has a fondness for toy dolls, but this comment was a truly unique (from strictly a sports-interview perspective) and humorous one, and deserves praise for its bringing some fun into the usually-boring world of sports interviews.

Think about it, 99.9999% of the time, unless a player, or coach is pissed off, he’s going to give boring, cliché, canned sports answers that 10,000 other guys said last year alone. I don't know why we insist on keeping it that way when it loses its luster after the 13th utterance.

Examples:
“It was a team effort.”
“Everyone contributed.”
“We wanted it more.”
“ We want to win.”
“As I held up the trophy in triumph, I fucked Jim after the game in the locker room .”

You get the idea. Avery went above and beyond the usually lame sports answer and took unnecessary heat for it. What happened to freedom of speech? Since when is this Tiananmen Square?

The fun has been sucked from our lives by these avaricious bastards in charge. Fuck.

Exclusive Interview with James Bond

2008-11-24T15:34:00.003-05:00

After watching the penultimate James Bond movie Casino Royale, it has come to a unanimous decision within the tribunal of myself, myself, and myself - that James Bond (even without being portrayed by the immortal Pierce Brosnan) will retain the current title of ‘Illest Motherfucker Ever’ for at least the next 6-8 months, or until somebody does something more noteworthy within that time.

Bond of course was honored in my Top 5 Most Badass Characters in the History of Cinema piece back in January, and our fictional public relations people got a hold of the real James Bond live via satellite. He took a break from the fast-life of MI6 recon missions and international superpimpin’, for a little espionage-related Q & A session.

Bond: Yea this is Jimmy, what can I do for ya?

Me: James, thanks for joining us today. I’m a huge fan of your body of work, and It would be tough for anybody to deny that you’re one smooth bastard. Welcome to the worst website the net has to offer.

Bond: Yea, thanks I guess. Good to be here. What is this for again?

Me: …It’s an interview for my no-budget website. I wanted to ask a few questions about the supercharged secret-agent lifestyle for the readers at home. You wouldn’t happen to have a cold or something would you? You sound a bit different. I assumed you had a British accent in real life...

Bond: British? What the hell are you talking about kid? I’m from Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

Me: Wisconsin, huh? I always took you as a guy who enjoyed the warmer weather parts of the world. After all, you’re always cruising the blocks in those flashy convertibles that pale in comparison to my platinum Saturn.

Bond: Convertibles!?! Ha I wish. I had my license suspended years ago for driving around the neighborhood sloshed, and my wife drags my ass around in a ‘96 Ford Windstar that looks like somebody took a baseball bat to the side of the damn thing. Who’s giving you your information here, and how did you get my phone number?

Me: Disappointing drop-off Bond. Wouldn’t expect that coming from you. Anyway, who do you think did a more authentic job depicting your on-screen persona - Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery? I was always more of a Brosnan fan myself.

Bond: Nah I don’t like either of those Welsh knuckleheads. I like the old time guys.. John Wayne, James Cagney, Gary Cooper…now those guys could act, Goddammit.

Me: Neither Brosnan nor Connery were Welsh. And none of those other guys ever played you in a movie.

Bond: Played what? Who said they did? Why would I be in a movie?

Me: Hmm…Obviously this isn’t going in the direction I first saw, so on with the next question. Out of all the high-tech gizmos you’ve been able to use over the years in your world saving exploits, what was your personal favorite? I always wanted to get my hands on that Omega watch with the laser-capabilities so I wouldn’t have to rely on the archaic hand saw when trying my hand at some woodworking projects. Your thoughts?

Bond: Eh.. I’m not really in with all this new stuff but my sister-in-law bought me one of those plastic blenders a few years ago for my 30th wedding anniversary. I've been mixin the 'sauce in it ever since. How many more questions here? I’m a little busy...

Me: Just one more, James. It seems as though your actual life is a lot less interesting than the way Hollywood makes you out to be, but, how many times in a given day would you say you introduce yourself to people with your last name first, followed by a pause – and then an emphatic resound of the entire “James..Bond”, for dramatic effect?

Bond: I don't think I've ever done that. I usually just go by ‘Jimmy’.

There you have it... Bond like you’ve never seen him before.

As usual: nothing important.

2008-11-21T10:07:00.005-05:00

Because of my broken shitty laptop that nobody can seem to fix, and my employers yelling at me every time I use the internet for non-work purposes, I have had to keep my musings bottled up in the rapidly fading storage bin that is my brain.

One too many pop-culture related things have gotten on my last nerve, and need to be shared with the world for the preservation of my own sanity.

I've seen about 18 news pieces in the past month dedicated to coverage on what kind of dog Barack Obama's family will 'adopt' when they enter the Whitehouse. The last one which really 'grinded my gears' as Family Guy's Peter Griffin would say, can be seen here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27702300/?GT1=43001

Not to disrespect Obama and everything he has accomplished, (because I'm really happy the reign of tyranny infused upon the country by 100% Caucasian nimrods has at least been put on hold for the time being) - but why the hell should it be necessary to drone on about a member of the canine species that will obviously have a more opulent life than most people for the next four years? I can understand one or maybe two pieces dedicated to the dog-infatuated reader out there, but once you see the headline 'What puppy should the Obamas get?' more than six times in a given week, complete with a reader poll, and 'pros-and-cons' analysis of the different choices and suggestions - it starts to get a little ridiculous. When Bush got elected and re-elected, you didn't have a poll asking the nation: "What country should we attack first when Bush gets into the Whitehouse?" followed by some choices and a political panel breakdown. (Although, I'm sure everyone would have found that more interesting.)

I have some news, the great Barack Obama doesn't care about what dog YOU think he should get. You casted your votes, you put him in office, got into violent, drunken political arguments along the way with other idiots that have no resolution, and now your role in the American political system has been served. In the end, just like every other real executive decision within a familial unit, Obama will end up getting bitched around by his wife and kids, and go with whatever fruity,uncool dog that happen to suit their tastes.

And another thing that irks me that has nothing to do with Obama, the looming obsession with vampires is really becoming a tired act. Every few years or so, another uncreative writer comes out with a book or TV series or movie, that centers around the fanged, 'nightmarish', and now overly played out creatures. George Carlin once said that zombies were unreliable - and now the same can be said for all things undead, including vampires and Raiders' owner Al Davis. (http://sports.espn.go.com/media/pg2/2002/0306/photo/aldavis.jpg)

Granted, I enjoyed the Blade trilogy because I was 13 and Wesley Snipes doesn't pay taxes and he's the man, and recently watched** a few episodes of 'True Blood' and it seems semi-interesting at times. (Note**: By 'watched', I really mean fast forwarded through the boring dialogue via HBO on demand to scour for short, unsatisfying sex scenes because my comp's broken and my woman recently kicked me to the curb)

I've read Bram Stoker's Dracula years back and I was more disappointed than amused. As I've discussed with resident Photoshop mastermind Phil Fresiello in several instances - how could Dracula possibly afford a mortgage on such a large castle, when he had no mentioned means of income and he just spent his time transforming into different vermin, and scaling the castle walls all day weirding out his guests? Somebody would have had to step in and repossess it at some point. Examples like these are why the financial industry is in shambles.

And how much more could even the most talented writer possibly do with vampire storylines while still sticking to the Vampire criteria? Great...they have fangs, they harass and bite people and suck their blood, they can't go out in the daytime, and wooden stakes and garlic kills them - and they've all been doing it all the same fucking way for thousands of years. BORING.

Within those parameters, there aren't a whole lot of wrinkles you could throw into it. Because they can't go leave their caves or wherever the hell they stay in the daytime, that limits them from getting real jobs, or biting people during normal work hours. The restaurant industry, which operates at night in many places, also disqualifies them because of the reliance on garlic-based ingredients in different types of cuisine. I could suggest vampires as porn stars or escorts because of their traditionally charming and charismatic personalities - but nobody that's not a serial killer wants to jerk off to/or pay for - getting their necks violently bitten.

And, finally, they can't be craftsmen or lumberjacks or carpenters, because they might get accidentally impaled on a sharp piece of wood and die. That doesn't leave a whole lot of options for creativity, and I hope the sad writers that keep forcefeeding everybody the vampire bullshit get this memo.

You know what paranormal beings I want to see more stories and movies about?

Computer programmers....

They're far more valuable to humanity, and their enchanting lore throughout history has gone largely unnoticed.

History's Greatest Con't...5-1

2008-10-15T10:38:00.002-04:00

After a rushed and un-thorough(not a real word) examination of 'qualified' humans over the years to make up the list - we have now arrived at our top five. These five people have woven their radiant legacies into the fabric of humanity as examples for the rest of us to live by. They represent mankind's chosen ones - sent from a realm more magnificent than Earth to save lowly normal human existence from all things evil and lame.

5. Nasir "God's Son" Jones, Best Rapper Ever

"My mic check is life or death, breathin a sniper's breath

I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps"

-Nas, 'It Aint Hard to Tell'

Credentials: Any man who is capable of a poetic street masterpiece such as the 1994 album Illmatic - and any man whose superior talents place him at the apex of hip-hop for so long - deserves a spot in the top five of any list - even if that list happens to include the greatest people in history. After all, everybody knows good rappers are more important for the benefit of the status quo than someone unimportant, like doctors (unless it's Doctor Dre, who serves as both a rapper/producer, and a member of the American Medical Association) or police officers.

(Side Note -A counter-argument against the 'importance' of rap may say that some rappers lie or embellish their own reputation and status in their rhymes. Well, the same can be said for politicians - except you can't just turn off the radio or a politician's multi-platinum CD when you don't want to hear his nonsense anymore - and rappers don't usually raise your taxes.)

If that doesn't sell you on Nas' credentials, this definitely will.

In the 2001 song 'Got Yourself a Gun', Nas explicitly specifies in writing, the reasoning why he is placed in such high regard among both fellow rappers and the other nine members of 'History's Greatest People'.

"My first album had no famous guest appearances-

The outcome: I'm crowned the best lyricist"

There you have it. Legally binding claim recorded on-wax. Nas' newest album, 'Untitled', happens to be one of the most though provoking, inspirational albums I've ever heard.

4) Jesus "H" Christ, World Messiah (circa 0-33 AD), (or 6BC-27AD) ?

"Jesus is a hunk"
-Mary Magdalene to Vogue Magazine, Fall of 29 AD

Credentials: Although there have been claims refuting a large portion of the historical accuracy of Jesus' existence and/or accomplishments, I don't see that as a reason for leaving God's other Son out of the top five equation.

As the stories go, Jesus had a few world religions started because of his teachings, had an entire half of a holy-book written about him, healed blind men and lepers with his bare hands (even with primitive medical know-how of the times), raised a guy from the dead, and resurrected himself after only three days of death. Not to mention he's considered the only real 'model-citizen' left. Pretty impressive stuff.

However, I think his biggest accomplishment was morphing water into wine at a wedding to keep the bride and the groom from realizing they both just made the biggest mistake of their lives for a few more hours. That would be an incredibly valuable skill these days, considering the rising costs of ethanol, and the high statistical failures of the modern marriage. If Jesus' 'wine-morphed-water' was readily available, there would be less poor and homeless people. Instead of degenerate winos spending what little money they had on booze, they would be able to get sloshed for free, and invest their newly freed-up 'self-medication' funds into other areas - thus providing economic stimulation.

References to Jesus also have also become a semi-recent popular phenomenon on T-shirts and wristbands - including mention of Jesus as the 'homeboy' of various people; and rhetorical questions asked of 'what would he do?'(Side Note - Without giving a particular situation in mind, I think that question is rendered unanswerable without conjecture).

The only knock on Jesus' would be his 100% divinity keeping him from entering any future 'Mortal Kombat' Tournaments; and considering how boring they can be that might not be that big of a disadvantage. The mystery remains however, not on whether or not he actually existed or what historical role he may have served, but on what the "H" in place of a middle name stands for. One may guess "Harold", "Humphrey", or "Herbert"; but considering Jesus' was a Jewish man of Middle-Eastern descent according to historical accounts, I'd say "Hershel" may be a better guess.

3) Denzel Hayes Washington, Actor

"Denzel at 3?. Great fuckin' actor man. What can I say?."

-Jesus Christ on Denzel Washington being 'greater'

Credentials: A rational human being that's not me (which is everybody else in case you needed that clarified) may ask why Denzel Washington, an actor who is reportedly 0% divine (although on the silver screen one might think otherwise), is above the likes of JC - esteemed by many as the savior of humanity. That's a question that's pretty easily answered if you look into it.

If you've ever seen 'Malcolm X', 'He Got Game', 'Training Day', 'American Gangster', 'Manchurian Candidate', 'Fallen', 'The Siege', 'Remember the Titans', 'John Q', 'Man on Fire', (etc..you get the idea) or any one of Denzel's other epics, then you'll know exactly why.

While Jesus may or may not have performed miracles, Denzel's Oscar for Best Actor in 'Training Day', is alive and well. Plus, Jesus was the first(and probably last) guy to perform miracles. Denzel was the second (and most recent) African American to win an Academy Award for Best Actor. Just like the NFL, - life is a 'what have you done for me lately' league - and Denzel's box office productivity has outshined Jesus' box office productivity in the past 1967 years. Movies have been made about Jesus of course, but none of which actually had Jesus playing himself, and that's a strike against him here. Passion of the Christ's frontman Jim Caviezel(http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001029/) would agree with me.

2) George Walker Bush, 'President, Leader of the Free World' 2000-2008

"I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers...

now watch this drive."

-Dubya on his golf game

True greatness comes to us in many forms.

Sometimes it manifests itself in the display of some kind of rare talent. Sometimes it shines through charisma, or endearing patience and virtue. Other times it appears through a man's iron will to achieve his goals despite all adversity.

A few dictionary definitions of 'greatness' read as follows.

"Unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity"

"important; highly significant or consequential"

Nowhere in the above descriptions of 'greatness', do the words 'Bumbling retard' appear. And that's why George W. is up here.

(Note - For those of you unfortunate souls that know me personally, the 'bumbling retard' segue was not meant to refer to myself)

Only a man who is truly great, can say such awe-inspiring statements such as: "And they have no disregard for human life" and "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully", and still have any kind of a job, let alone remain the United States President.

Despite the seemingly endless series of mishaps that occurred over the last 8 years, the most impressive thing that Bush has done was lose an election for a House of Representatives seat in 1978, only to come back with a vengeance. A man who isn't believed competent enough to represent his own state government at nearly the lowest possible level - should by no means EVER be denied election to the Presidency of his country years later. Pure greatness embodied.

We as Americans, (or Confederates, Canadians, Icelanders, Brazilians, Saudis, Kazakhs that aren't Borat, Mexicans, Tibetans, Phoenicians, or wherever the hell else we may be from), have learned a valuable lesson from the life's work of George W. Bush. No longer will men or women with single-digit IQ's be confined to play-pens and cells with padded walls. Now simply by being born into wealth and fucking up every possible opportunity, - they too, can rise to prominence and lead the masses into an era of unprecedented failure and bedlam.

And now, the greatest individual ever to walk the earth....

1) George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

- George Carlin

Now for a George with a worthy talent that actually belongs on this list. Despite the fact that Carlin shared a slight visual resemblance to Charles Manson in his younger days, (see picture to right) Carlin couldn't have been further from a cult-leading psycopath.

Carlin could take any topic or subject known to man (whether it was on its own interesting or not), no matter how racy, obscene, or irreverent - and turn it into a joke. Not just a simple or basic one-liner that offered a few snickers here and there - but a well-thought, hilarious, piercing, memorable tirade that ended with lots of laughs and stimulated minds. He used the humor in all facets of life as a way to unite and inform; and he didn't steal other people's jokes like some other lackluster pseudo[bad] 'joke tellers'. (Cough.....Dane Cook)

According to Wikipedia- "Carlin was present at Lenny Bruce's[another notable and controversial comedian] arrest for obscenity. As the police began attempting to detain members of the audience for questioning, and asked Carlin for his identification. Telling the police he did not believe in government issued IDs, he was arrested and taken to jail with Bruce in the same vehicle."<<<<<<>

Carlin taught the world to stop being a bunch of self-righteous pussies, and just go out there and have some fun. If it happens to be at the expense of somebody 'important', oh well.

For the better part of four decades, Carlin 'stuck it' to the man with his timeless, truthful, and humorous jabs at the obvious problems in society. His untimely death over the summer leaves us again with the sad knowledge that everybody cool is either dead or no longer gets the respect they deserve. Everything that sucks will continue to propagate, unless somebody puts a fierce stop to it. That someone..........

....is me. (cue dramatic music)

Honorable Mention

I know some worthy people were left out of the top 10. Here's a few who didn't quite make the cut, but had some valuable contributions to humanity.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - CREDENTIALS- Civil rights champion

Gerard Fitzgerald - CREDENTIALS- B.S. in Journalism from St. John's University, over 36 different jobs in the last five years, creator and mind behind landmark website Gpocalypse.blogspot.com

Leonardo Da Vinci - CREDENTIALS- Original Renaissance Man, inventor, artist

Mohandas Gandhi - CREDENTIALS- Spokesman for Satyagraha/civil disobedience

Rashean Mathis - CREDENTIALS- Jacksonville Jaguars standout cornerback, started in 2006 Pro Bowl and finished season with eight interceptions. Jaguars' franchise leader in defensive touchdowns

Franklin Roosevelt - CREDENTIALS- Only US President to be elected to more than two terms, helped lead nation out of Great Depression

Top Ten Greatest People in Human History (10-6)

2008-10-14T12:30:00.003-04:00

I haven't done any countdowns in a while and they're always the most fun to do because of their built-in suspense and debate provoking factors, regardless of whether they're serious or not. Usual work task negligence has spurred me to come up with a list of the greatest contributors in the relatively short history of mankind. This is in my eyes of course, as many historical pundits might argue the 'grand-scheme of things' importance of some of the list's representatives.

10 - Marilyn Monroe

"A career is born in public -- talent in privacy" - Marilyn Monroe

"Everybody loves tits" - Gerard Fitzgerald

Credentials: Marilyn Monroe, aka Norma Jeane Mortenson, had a storybook career that entailed marriage to one of the greatest hitters of all time in 'Joltin' Joe D, alleged flings on motorcycles with resident stud JFK, a few mediocre movies, and the reputation as one of the earliest American sex symbols. With a resume that included being the first ever cover-girl for then risque Playboy (always a poor excuse for a real man's porno magazine), Marilyn's accomplishments let every future woman around the world with a dream and a sweet pair of tits believe that they have a shot in this sick, cold world. A normal list might have included Joan of Arc at this spot, but frankly she probably just wasn't hot enough, and she didn't slam any U.S. Presidents or Hall of Fame outfielders.

9. Ötzi the Iceman

"....." - Translation Unknown

Credentials:

While his tangible contributions to mankind may be limited (perhaps a few fires lighted with sticks, or a few extinct mountain-dwelling animals hunted), the lasting contributions of Ötzi simply can not be ignored. Ever since his 1991 discovery by a couple of German tourists in an Alps glacier, Europe's oldest mummy(circa 3300 BC) has shed light on human life during the Chalcolithic (Copper) Period - where tools made out of copper instead of stone began to surface. Otzi was a rare blend of size and speed in those days and had NFL scouts salivating at his 5'4, 110 lb physique. According to Wikipedia, "Ötzi's clothes were quite sophisticated. He wore a cloak made of woven grass and a coat, a belt, a pair of leggings, a loincloth and shoes, all made of leather".

Not only did this guy create some nifty tools, but he was also quite fashion savvy.

Therefore, it was the creativity of Otzi and his precocious contemporaries, that was responsible for future sweat shops, , factories, the industrial revolution, Nike,- and eventually communism.

8. Bill Walsh, NFL Head Coach 1979-1988

"He was a great conductor that took tremendous pleasure from putting the pieces of the orchestra together." — Former 49ers star Brent Jones.

Credentials: One of few men that actually belong on this list, and the most brilliant mind behind the legendary West Coast Offense - Bill Walsh coached the 49ers to three Super Bowl victories in the 1980s. He was inducted into the NFL's Hall of Fame in 1993, and his press conference clips were included in one of the best Coors' Light commercials before they started getting really lame and banal. The careers of NFL icons Jerry Rice and Joe Montana (as well as the start of Steve Young's career) all flourished under Walsh' tutelage.

While his accomplishments on the sidelines (and in the beer advertising realm) speak for themselves, Walsh's influence, direction, and philosophies extended beyond his own players, and have spilled onto the coaching ranks throughout the NCAA and the NFL. The fact that Walsh has had more disciples than Jesus over the years, can be seen in this coaching tree. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walsh_Coaching_Tree3.GIF. (Note: the worst thing that Bill Walsh's disciples have done is lose a few ballgames and get fired; many of Jesus' disciples have started wars, claimed tax exemptions while touching little kids, and bombed abortion clinics.[Note- Sidenote: I don't hold Jesus is at fault for the transgressions of his supporters).

7. Alexander the Great, Conqueror 353-326 BC

"There is nothing impossible to him who will try.”" - Alexander the Great

Credentials: Hands down, the coolest monopolizer/conqueror (and arguably the most famous half-Macedonian) in the history of mankind.

Wikipedia claims that "Alexander and his exploits were admired by many Romans who wanted to associate themselves with his achievements...Julius Caesar wept in Spain at the mere sight of Alexander's statue; when asked to see other great military leaders, Caesar said Alexander was the only great one." He did what Julius Caesar tried and failed to do centuries before, which was take over the damn planet, and did it a lot better without getting shanked by a mob of his homies.

Alex the Great was schooled by Aristotle, encouraged relations with exotic, foreign women (pumps fist), and was hailed as the 'demi-god' largely responsible for Hellenization throughout the bulk of the ancient world (from Greece, through Egypt, all the way to the Himalayan mountains). And, he definitely was not as gay as they depicted him in the movie. Fuck you, Hollywood.

6. Bernabe Williams

"Don't be afraid to take risks. Make the most of your journey. Make it fun and exciting." - Bernie Williams

I love this guy...(no homo)

Very few men in history have had the illustrious hallmark career that Bernie has had without 'roids and adultery. Not many guys have taken naps during batting practice, and woke up to go 3-for-4 in a playoff game (loosely quoting Derek Jeter from Bernie's 'Yankeeography'). Not too many guys have been the heart and soul of four World Series champion teams. And as far as I know, only ONE MAN IN HISTORY has eight consecutive .300 seasons, four American League Gold Gloves in Centerfield, a batting title, capture of the Major League Postseason Home Run record (before Manny broke it) AND a smooth-sounding jazz/soul guitar record. (http://www.berniewilliams.com/)

And to cap it all off, Bernie has been called 'the best player in baseball' by me at least 67 different times, all of which meant to be statements of 105% sincerity. He has also had his name invoked in efforts to win arguments on topics that may have been completely unrelated to baseball or jazz music.

as the famous catchphrase goes....

Bernie Fuckin' Baseball

Stay tuned for 5-1 in the next installment.

Jags Dodge Bullet(more like musket ball) in Denver

2008-10-14T11:31:00.001-04:00

Now onto the things that really matter…

Much to my surprise, the Jags looked pretty good in a tough Invesco road win; although they did get a couple of breaks. My fantasy prediction about Brandon Marshall was coming to fruition in the game’s early stages, until he luckily decided to hand the ball to Drayton Florence, and not do anything again until the fourth quarter. Up until that point I really didn’t think the Jags were going to be able to stop Cutler, Marshall, or the rest of that offense, but then the defense settled down and finally decided to play with some cojones. After White Lightning Brandon Stokely came off the field with a concussion (paybackfor Fred Taylor, fools), Denver had some issues moving the ball through the air with ’Shean and company keeping Marshall on lockdown.

It seems as though Mo-Jo is back to his old self again with a line that actually run-blocks and finally the rest of the Jags’ offense didn’t look like a couple of fairies out there. Garrard outplayed the rising star Cutler; looking comfortable in the pocket and firing darts to open receivers all damn day. The penalty that nullified the Troy Williamson deep ball was obviously disheartening (not only would it have been the Jags’ longest play from scrimmage this year, but it was especially bad for Troy, as he might never do anything that cool with the football again) but fortunately it didn’t come back to bite the Jags in the end. We could also use more of those phantom pass interference calls too.

The one thing I still don’t like is the soft run defense. Even though Michael Pittman keeps beating the Jags up no matter what uniform he’s wearing, the rest of the league is doing their Michael Pittman impression against the Jags’ formerly stout front, averaging 4.5 yards per carry and 110 yards per game this year. That’s something that obviously needs to be addressed to keep this team in playoff contention. Even though Cutler wasn’t sacked, it was good to see this excuse of a pass-rush force a few off-target throws and get in Cutler’s face at least a little bit. Tony McDaniel had a few balls batted down at the line, and Reggie Hayward made a nice play chasing down Cutler and forcing a fumble from behind. Good to see the $25 mil that the Jags ‘donated’ to paying Hayward’s medical bills after ‘05 isn’t going completely to waste.

Granted, the Jags did benefit from the absence Tony Sheffler, Eddie Royal, John Elway, Rod Smith, Steve Atwater, Terrell Davis, late-90s’ salary cap cheating executives, and an entire Broncos’ starting defense; but we have more than our fare share of injuries and setbacks so I really don’t wanna hear it from any whiny Broncos fans.

Now we have two weeks to celebrate the W and prepare for the league’s new powerhouse - the Cleveland Browns.

Fantasy Folly

2008-10-14T11:30:00.001-04:00

After ranting and raving about my ‘unbeatable’ fantasy team not 5 days earlier, not only did I get smoked in my matchup this week (113-61.7), but nearly all of my predictions couldn’t have been further from correct. Therefore my original prediction (of me being wrong on most and/or all of them) came true. So Nostradamus can shove it.

Being that making myself look bad is my (Matt) forte, let’s see just how retarded I look after Week 6’s crazy shenanigans for the enjoyment of both readers and naysayers alike.

Me: “Now my team is 3-2 and ready to make some real noise” - Real noise of course being a 51.3 point loss after giving my opponents some bulletin board material.

Me: “I think the Bears defense will…force a young Matt Ryan into a few turnovers.” Ryan was 22 of 30 for 301 yards and NO turnovers. Nice job Bears/me.

Me: “I wouldn’t be surprised if Clinton Portis, Chris Cooley, Jason Campbell, and Santana Moss played the Rams 4-on-11 and still stomped them” - Well, they played the Rams with a full team and put up 17 on a defense who’s job description reads: ”giving up points.” Pathetic.

Me: “I like the Dolphins D in this one.” - They gave up 29 points, and on the last play of the game made Matt Schaub look like Michael Vick before the signature orange prison scrubs.

Me: “I like Matt ‘Cassel Rock Productions’ against the Chargers’ lifeless defensive backs.” - The only thing that looked lifeless in this one was the entire Pats team.

Me: “Ravens defense against the Colts” - Luckily I started the Ravens D.

Me: “Anybody not from Ohio playing against New York” - Yep.

With my acute predictive knowledge, it’s a damn good thing I don’t get paid for this type of stuff - otherwise I’d have a job as a Lehman Brothers financial advisor.

Week 6 Fantasy Tidbits

2008-10-09T12:31:00.002-04:00

At this point in time it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that the majority of modern NFL fans are involved in at least one fantasy league. Fantasy football has become a phenomenon that we as a declining culture simply can not ignore anymore. ESPN, Fox Sports, and other media outlets have entire segments, both written and visual, dedicated to helping the average player rise to the top of his or her fantasy league. If it wasn’t for fantasy sports, ESPN’s ‘Talented Mr. Roto’ Matthew Berry might be working at a car wash or serving Big Macs at a McDonald’s drive-through somewhere.

I dont know about the rest of America, but I spend more time in a given week tweaking my fantasy roster than I do paying attention to politics, world issues, or engaging in some other productive use of my time. And I feel like a much better man because of it. After all, I don’t really care if any more investment banks go out of business because A) I’m going to be poor anyway, and B)that has absolutely no effect on my fantasy score at the end of the week. Some might call it nerdish, I call it practical. My team started out looking lifeless at 1-2, but then I got on the horn with the other general managers in my league, hit the waiver wire hard, and made some raw ’Power Moves’. Now my team is 3-2 and ready to make some real noise. If only real GM’s cared about their teams as much as I do…

Fantasy football is a great way to get together with a few homies, increase your knowledge of the league’s players, teams, and trends; and talk trash to an opponent after your Frank Gore has 120 yards and three touchdowns - and his Chris Henry is removed in the first quarter with three drops, a concussion, and a warrant out for his arrest after the game.

Now onto some matchups that I really like for the week. I’ve never actually written a column with predictions before, so this should be a lot of fun seeing just how wrong I turn out to be. To start, I’ll go through a few of the matchups that seem can’t miss. You don’t have to be a fantasy genius to figure these out. I’ll add more as the weeks go on.

Bears @ Falcons - The Falcons are 22nd in the league against the pass so I like Kyle Orton in this one. He’s been throwing the ball well and actually getting it to his receivers, which is something the Bears aren’t normally fond of - and that should continue against a mediocre Falcons defensive unit. Even though Mike Turner is rakin’ in the points this year, I think the Bears defense will bottle him up and force a young Matt Ryan into a few turnovers.

Jags @ Broncos - Sorry fellow Jags fans, but with how inept the Jags’ D has looked all year and with William James “Peterson” (and his useless attempt at a name change) refusing to cover anybody, I’d expect Jay Cuter, Brandon Marshall, and probably even Eddie Royal to have a field day. Make sure you have a good supply of bricks to throw at the TV screen. God, I hope I’m wrong here. However, if the Jags stay in the game and hold the ball for more than five minutes, MoJo and Freddy T might make some noise against Denver’s God-forsaken run defense. Maybe if you’re seriously hurting for options, Mike Walker (if healthy) might be a good sleeper start for this week. (6 Grabs for 107 yards last week against the Steelers). Although Matt Jones might be pretty good on third downs this year, I really don’t like him as a starter this week in any Criminal Courts Fantasy Leagues. (http://www.nfl.com/news/story?id=09000d5d80b77314&template=without-video&confirm=true).

Rams @ Skins - The way the Rams seem to enjoy being out of the game by the middle of the second quarter, I wouldn’t be surprised if Clinton Portis, Chris Cooley, Jason Campbell, and Santana Moss played the Rams 4-on-11 and still stomped them. I’d play any of those guys.

Phins @ Texans - Even though the Fish have never beaten the Texans before, I don’t think it’s going to matter much here. Even with the return of Matt Schaub (which should save the Texans four less crunch time turnovers), I like the Dolphins D (7th in the league in fewest yards allowed) in this one. With Ronnie Brown doing his Jesus Christ impression, I expect him to put up some big numbers again as well.

Pats @ Chargers - I like Matt ‘Cassel Rock Productions’ against the Chargers’ lifeless defensive backs. They finally let him toss a bit last week against San Francisco and Randy Moss had his first big game since week 1.

Other obvious notables:
Adrian Peterson against the Lions

Brees/Bush in the Black Hole.

Ravens defense against the Colts (still don’t like the way their offense looks)

Anybody with the ball in their hands in the Cowboys-Cards game.

Anybody not from Ohio playing against New York.

Best of luck.

The Mock Job Interview..

2008-10-07T15:36:00.004-04:00

I'm sure it comes as a big surprise to my readers (and to myself, believe me) that at this point in time I've actually held a field-related full-time job for more than thirteen days. Every day I don't get fired is one more day I surpass everybody's expectations, so I'm basically playing with house money every time I step in the office.

Really, the big shocker is that in order to get hired for this particular job, I had to painfully swallow my pride, and find a way to hide my idiocy for a few minutes during the whole interview process. Being that it took me a bunch of interviews, numerous debts accumulated, one failed job-experiment, and one entire summer to find a job worth holding onto for at least two weeks; this leads me to believe that I suck incredible balls at giving a proper job interview. Luckily even a blind squirrel finds a nut eventually. (Unless that blind squirrel is Gov. David Patterson, who just finds sex with other women that aren't his wife. To quote Denzel from American Gangster.."MY MANNNN")

I made fun of the resume, the cover letter - and now it's time to insult the whole idea of the dreaded 'interview'. While everyone agrees that many of these questions asked at the interviews are utterly ridiculous - people still find it in them to give trite and overused 'yes-man' answers, that don't come close to distinguishing them from their 'just-as-boring' peers - probably because they want to get hired. Nobody intentionally goes into an interview just to sabotage their chances with moronic answerS and improper job decorum (I might have done so a few times by accident), but WHAT IF....

The following dramatization looks at what might occur in this scenario. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The answers to the following questions, in no way reflect the views of the writer of this website....

2:39 PM Loud gum-chewing job-seeker walks into closed-door formal office setting dressed in clearly appropriate attire for the occasion (athletic shorts, ratty T-shirt with sweat stain right above the right breast, and fitted cap placed on head backwards and to the side) - gives interviewer a fist pound instead of a proper handshake, sits down before being asked to, and rudely puts feet up on the interviewer's desk while tossing documents in her direction.

Interviewer: Good afternoon, Mr. Fitzpatrick. I see you've done a bit of shopping at Men's Warehouse for our appointment today.

Fitzpatrick: Heyyyyy what's going on. Good to be here. Yea sorry I'm late. Alarm's been malfunctioning lately so I woke up about an hour ago, grabbed a quick bite and didn't really have time to get ready. But I wanted to make a good impression and get here before 3. Nice place though I gotta say.

Interviewer: Well you were supposed to be here at 2, but I'll let it slide since you clearly want to be a part of this company. Anyway lets begin.

Fitzpatrick: Alright, shoot.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Aside from a very sharp dresser and an early-riser....

Fitzpatrick: Oh stop it....you and your compliments. Good question to start things off. Get the brain firin' off a little...Well, for starters, I might consider myself the greatest man who's ever lived. I don't really have any merits or accomplishments to prove it though...more of an intangible, poor man's Derek Jeter kind of greatness.

Interviewer: Very good. What specific goals have you established for your life?

Fitzpatrick: I've given that question some pondering before, and I definitely want to eventually own my own child labor ring. I always wanted to give back to the community. What better way to do it than to put kids to work?! I was always into crunching numbers and gang violence too, so I thought maybe I could be a successful drug money accountant for the Bloods or the Crips.

Interviewer: Both interesting and benevolent. That's just what we're looking for here at Maverick Enterprises. How has your college experience prepared you for a business career?

Fitzpatrick: Well all the blunts, beers, Madden, and missed classes definitely gave me a clear outlook for my future. If my career entails staring at the ceiling at 1 in the afternoon with a headache, I feel as though my experience and potential elevate me to the cream of the crop.

Interviewer: Which is more important to you, high performance on the job itself or your salary?

Fitzpatrick: Obviously the salary mam. Doesn't really matter to me if the job is completed or not, as long as I see those figures in the bank account. I think it would be in both the company's and the economy's best interests, to pay me as much as possible for mediocre results. I'd feel like a Major League Pitcher in that regard.

Interviewer: Luckily for everybody I think we are almost finished here Mr. Fitzgerald. Just one more question. Give me an example of an important goal which you had set in the past and tell me about your success in reaching it.

Fitzpatrick: That's an interesting question in that I have a pretty recent response to it. The other day me and some fellow successful friends decided to grab some lunch together. We had all initially agreed on various sandwiches at a local deli. However, after we were informed that the deli would be closed that day, we had to formulate a new lunch plan. With precious seconds wasting and the threat of disaster at large, I had suggested we go to a Chinese restaurant located adjacent to the deli. Everyone complied, and our goal of a group lunch effort was reached. Not only did I show leadership skills in masterfully leading the team to the Chinese restaurant, but I was able to think on my feet, overcome the unexpected adversity of a closed deli, and find the resiliency deep within to still complete what we set out to do that day. I think that's what every company needs in a model employee.

Interviewer: Well looks like our time is up here Mr. Fitzpatrick.
:: Raises to shake hands with Fitzpatrick::

Interviewer: I'll forward your documents to the powers that be and we'll be in contact.
I thank you for taking the time to interview for our open position. In the meantime I suggest you get the fuck out of my office and never call this company again. Good afternoon.

::Pushes Fitzpatrick out and slams door shut:::

If only...

The above questions have been mocked from http://www.quintcareers.com/interview_question_database/interview_questions.html

Hail the Leaders...

2008-10-07T08:46:00.007-04:00

My fellow Americans,

Despite the fact that I hate the balls out of politics and everything that it stands for; the joke of the modern American political scene is actually what inspired me to do a little writing after another period of intellectual inactivity. I really don't want to have to bore the shit out of everybody with political mention, so I want to apologize in advance for the next few minutes of thought-provoking inconvenience.

Having to help a friend with some pointless St. John's college coursework (while listening to Nas' new awesome album) caused me to examine the "Vice"-Presidential competition between Joe Biden and Sarah "I was kind of hot 15 years ago" Palin and came to a few mind-numbing conclusions. In case you were wondering, I put the word 'Vice' in quotes because listening to these two numbskulls drone on about the issues is comparable to having your brain(or what's left of it) put in a vice-grip and violently squeezed until it's liquified.

For starters, I'm glad the Republicans wanted to carry on strong American tradition, and replace the largely successful Dick Cheney experiment with somebody equally as qualified (and brainless) in Sarah Palin. Now mind you, before last night, I really had no idea what Palin was about or who she even was - aside from the basic facts - a semi-attractive (In that 'older-chick hot' sort of way) from the wastelands of Alaska with a knocked-up teenage daughter (pumps fist for the American dream) who apparently considers herself a 'Hockey Mom'. Wholesome.

While looking for some ammunition for this piece, I discovered that according to Andrew Halcro, (opinion editor for the Christian Science Monitor), Palin is 'the master of the nonanswer'.
http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/1001/p09s01-coop.html

I know nobody actually wants to look at the 'Christian Science Monitor' website (how the hell does one monitor Christian Science anyway.........according to the Republicans, don't the two contradict each other?) , and understandably so, - so I'll provide a quote from Sarah Palin herself.

"Andrew, I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I'm amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, 'Does any of this really matter?' "

Upon further review I discovered that Palin graduated college with a Journalism degree, doesn't believe in using facts in arguments, and speaks in generalities - all things which I do/have done and get called an idiot for, yet she gets to compete for the United States Vice Presidency? That just doesn't seem fair to guys like me with just as many qualifications who would do a much more entertaining job if given a high position like that. Now granted, I don't govern Alaska or drive minivans to J.V. hockey games, but based on the above(and below) information, I'm just as qualified. our foreign policy experience is about the same. I've been to Niagara Falls once - she thinks Afghanistan is a 'neighboring country' to the U.S.
St. John's is more 'prestigious' than Idaho University (both Palin's and former Jaguars kicker Mike Hollis' alma mater), with just as many inept sports teams. And, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once years back. Advantage: <<<< Me

Getting back on topic, Palin's views on the various issues are a goldmine for comedic analysis. (Courtesy of Wikipedia.com - the real almanac.)

Exhibit A: Palin on marriage: "a marriage may exist only between one man and one woman"
Well, looks like that screws the Republicans out of not only the gays' votes, but also the votes of the Mormons, some Muslims, Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant, Henry VIII, and whoever else happens to like polygamy or more than one woman at once. Not a good campaign strategy.

Palin on sex-education: "Palin is opposed to "explicit sex-ed programs", including "school-based clinics and the distribution of contraceptives in schools"
Clearly, her daughter isn't in favor of this one, either. (Yessss, had to do it even though mudslinging and taking shots at irrelevant parties isn't normally my thing...)

Palin on Illicit Drugs: "Palin is opposed to efforts to decriminalize marijuana, which she says sends the wrong message to children. Palin has said she is more concerned about methamphetamine than marijuana, which she sees as a greater social threat."
Obviously, cocaine and heroin distribution are more important for the sustenance of the American economy; especially with the financial crisis and problems with banks. If people are going to be poor, they might as well be on lots of hard street drugs so they don't care about the collapse of the middle class as much, damnit. I do wholeheartedly agree with Palin's assessment that meth is more dangerous than marijuana and I'm glad that finally somebody, thankfully someone with such high esteem as a Vice Presidential candidate, boldly shed light on that age-old debate for us.

Palin on Foreign Policy: This link http://www.tunc.biz/Sarah_Palin's_Inexperience.htm, goes into more interesting detail about her lack of world/geographical knowledge, but I'll just do a brief summation. According to the above website, Palin was asked a few questions about various international subjects. "What is the capital of Spain?" Palin replied Lisbon" (The answer is Madrid, for the record)

"Name three Sub-Saharan African nations?" Palin's answers were, "Burma, Turkey, and Mongolia." She could have said, "South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Uganda."

The website went on and added the following.

"A stunned campaign team informed McCain they were in deep trouble. There was no way of faking that Palin had foreign affairs knowledge. Joe Biden has met with more than 50 heads of state. Palin didn't even know that Tibet was part of China."

Sidenote for emphasis: - As a youngster, during downtime school hours (ie. in class while the teacher was talking) I used to read through the history books' atlas sections and look at many of the world nations' capitals for shits and giggles. The point of this nerd story you ask? I was 12 when I figured a lot of this shit out. She's 44, held a political office, and is still unaware. Good to see the leadership of this nation is improving from a personnel standpoint.

To make matters worse, some jerk with a blogspot far inferior to mine (not speculation, see for yourself -http://palinforvp.blogspot.com/2008/06/geographic-argument-for-palin.html) had these choice words to say about Sarah Palin: "First and foremost, she is one of the nations (sic) toughest and gutsiest leaders"

Wrong.

Now Brett Favre is a tough and gutsy leader, over 250 consecutive starts behind center, and he wouldn't get lost on his way to meet with various world leaders.

To conclude, I'll answer these questions.

Would I have sex with Sarah Palin?(and/or daughter for good measure) - Sure.
Would I want her as my country's Vice President - Absolutely Not.

Back to the office...

2008-08-08T13:17:00.005-04:00

It's been a long two months since my last post, and now its time to return from my vacation of sitting around watching ESPN to cure the withdrawals of my beloved readers.

For about 10 days from late July through early August, I was *fortunate* enough to have a brief tenure as a salesman for a local credit card processing company. This was a terrible mistake on my part and ended up being about as productive as an interrupted masturbation session.

The morning conference room where all the 'salespeople' (that's for all you politically correct fools) gathered for the morning meetings, had a sign on the wall next to the entrance that read 'no solicitors'. I assume this minor room detail probably went unnoticed by most of my co-workers, however I found it ironic that the sign would remain in a room completely full of, well, fucking solicitors.

In the three days I worked on my own, I went door-door to at least 140 businesses in a few different towns, and ended up selling absolutely NOTHING. In God's favorite organization, the National Football League, if a starting quarterback was to complete zero passes in 140 attempts; his head coach will probably demand that person not only change their occupation, but probably also have him gruesomely killed for disgracing the game so much. (Unless that quarterback was Michael Vick circa 2004, then he would then just get a pay raise and later go to jail for involvement in Virginia dogfighting rings.)

With the evaluation that I could not make one sale in over 100+ tries, I decided that being a salesman is simply not for me. Even though I was only a few days into the job, they do say time is money, and when I'm spending valuable hours of my day (that could be spent just as productively laying around and playing video games) not getting any money.... then it's time to choose a new path. In Arthur Miller's masterpiece 'Death of a Salesman', main character Willy Loman kills himself at the end of the play partly because he's a shitty salesman and he hates himself and his family. With that in mind, I will not let myself be resigned to the same fate.

My glorious last day at the job was spent taking naps in Portuguese bakeries and zoning out watching Jericho Turnpike traffic on an 80-year-old chair outside of an antique shop.(Ironically, both places I took breaks in or around, turned my down my poor attempts at sales offers).

Sometimes that's all it takes for a man to ponder a career change.

Past and Present: Generation Commentary

2008-06-12T17:46:00.002-04:00

Being that it is now 2008, and everything basically sucks except for the technology, I thought I would do a little editorial on the differences between certain generations.

Although the economy is in shambles and masses of inept cretins have a hand in controlling everything, the kids today have it a lot easier.

When I traveled the path of childhood during the 1990s, 16-bit video games, nerf footballs, and my 33 megahertz computer with no sound were the best advances that human ingenuity had to offer at that point.

Even though the quality of music and entertainment were far better years back, now the kids have the X-Box 360s, cell phones with text messaging before they even know how to spell their names, and other inventive ways to tally up a myriad of fat cells and have heart problems by the ripe old age of 18.

However, despite all these wonderous developments, coming of age in today's era is not as good as advertised. The main reason....too many damn rules and regulations. The second reason, is the lack of satisfaction we have in ourselves as a culture. Speaking as a modern 22-year old who posesses 83.86% of humanity's total knowledge and wisdom(fake statistic), I'll break it down for everybody.

For starters, all the fun shit is prohibited. You can't do this; you can't do that. If you do this you get cancer. If you do this three times before you do that once, you will be apprehended by local authorities or you'll be executed, etc. You get the idea.

When my father was growing up listening to Zeppelin and pounding 6-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon with his 'closest roaddogs' (as Tupac would say), things seemed a lot easier. Even driving drunk then was considered appropriate (See George W. Bush's list of favorite hobbies), as long as you didnt hit any object or person at full speed with the vehicle.

I don't really think the penalties fit the crime these days. Why is it in some cases that a sex offender would get a lesser sentence than a drug dealer? Last I checked, unconsentual sodomy with minors is a little bit worse than providing somebody with a few hours of boredom relief on a Friday night. Not to mention, like some shitty comedian said a few years back, many of your favorite musical pieces were both conceived and composed under a heavy dose of 'not sober'. Outside of a couple of Korn songs and Michael Jackson's post-recording career; I'm pretty sure that rapists did not have a heavy influence in the music industry.

With all the restrictions on individuality and fun in this country, it's a borderline goddamn police state. Lets try to be a bit less totalitarian about the whole thing, eh?

Classification: Forefather of Prejudice

2008-05-28T13:57:00.004-04:00

The simple act of classifying something is an interesting conundrum. On one hand it is extremely helpful, allowing us to group externally similar objects together for some kind of purpose. On the other side of the coin, it may cause us to generalize things without an extensive examination of them. This prejudice against a group results in some lame fundamentalist-style closed-mind thinking.

This whole idea came to my head when I was having a discussion with my friend about different types of music genres. Most of them are fairly simple and on-point. for example hip-hop, metal, country are all distinctive genres. When you hear the term hip-hop, or classic rock, you pretty much know what to expect. Then you have these bullshit, incomplete labels like 'alternative', or 'progressive'. The always credible Wikipedia.com says that '[the 'alternative' label ]is also used in the music industry to denote "the choices available to consumers via record stores, radio, cable television, and the Internet." That obviously seems to be more of an 'alternative' choice; only because every other genre of music already does that...

My 'beef' with the alternative title is not with the music itself, but with the nondescript jerkoff who first grouped a bunch of different songs together, and just said to his assistant,
'ehh just call it alternative, I don't know what the hell all of this is."

I feel like giving a band an 'alternative' label, is basically saying '"Oh this band is similar to a different band, but not exactly". This is a pretty unclear description.

Chances are, if you referred to a race of people as 'alternative', they probably wouldn't enjoy the title too much. I wouldn't be able to picture an obese manager with a nice, floppy set of funbags at McDonald's wanting to hire a bunch of 'alternatives' to work late night shifts or Happy Meal Thursdays.

To conclude the ideas that my introduction presented; putting things in groups may seem like they simplify things, but they actually prevent people from focusing on what separates them.
And it reality, when Carolus Linnaeus( see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Linnaeus), thought he was doing everybody a favor by simplifying things, he was really just giving genocidal maniacs some bad ideas.

Thrown in for variety...

2008-05-19T18:56:00.003-04:00

Hardly a leader of the masses, however some people might think otherwise..

The Head Honcho...

2008-05-19T17:46:00.001-04:00

No text will be necessary on this one.

New York State of Mind...

2008-05-19T02:23:00.002-04:00

Presidents aren't the only jerkoffs in office...

The great leaders of our nation...

2008-05-19T01:03:00.003-04:00

The dregs of graphic arts meets political vices in an all new multi-part series.

Richard Nixon's stellar James Bond impression kicks it off.

Truth in Advertising...

2008-05-08T16:05:00.005-04:00

While I'm on this whole truth kick, I think it would be funny if you didn't have to read between the lines for certain marketing gimmicks. Products that treat embarassing ailments, such as a bad case of limpdick, should just come right out and say what they're trying to do.

To be continued with other products...

Cover Letter Baseball...

2008-05-04T16:51:00.003-04:00

Following up on that ridiculous mock resume, I think it's time cover letters should also be documents of nothing but honesty....

Mr. Geoff Q. Dahmerov
Human Resources
The Hood, Inc.
283 Dicks Ave.
Seaford, NY 11783

Mr. Dahmerov,

Poor work ethic, lack of self-pride, and being a prima-donna are all qualities of the prototype contributing member of society; and I'm proud to say that those very traits are what define me as an individual.

I understand that The Hood, Inc. has an opening for a garbage pail emptying position, which pays approximately four dollars per hour. This letter is to inform you that I certainly do not have any direct interest in your organization or you as a person, however employment is necessary to prevent my mother from bitching at me six times a day about not having a job.

My previous experience with garbage pails involves carefully watching some of my McDonald's co-workers remove bags from them while I happily avoided the task.

If you would like to schedule an interview, it would have to be sometime in the late afternoon or evening, because my schedule obligates me to sleep until 2:00 PM daily for medical reasons. It does not really matter if you get back to me or not, as I am wholly indifferent to both the success or failure of your company.

I appreciate the consideration, and have fun at work tomorrow while I'm enjoying my hours upon hours of free time. Thanks Geoff, take it easy.

Sincerely,

Gerard 'The Hammer of God' Fitzgerald

What a resume' should really be.....

2008-05-02T21:11:00.004-04:00

During a nice copy-editing learning session earlier today, I came up with what I thought was an interesting idea to kill my recent case of writer's block. It's entertaining how the workforce-scouring people get some nice off-white paper, and embellish the dick out of their occupational pasts on resumés. I wonder what it would be like if people were totally honest on the documents that seperate them from their more-qualified peers applying for the same positions...(cue dream sequence) ****DISCLAIMER- The following mock resumé is fictional. Any similarity it may have with somebody's real job history (including my own) is purely coincidental.

Resumé

Gerard Fitzgerald
xxx Merrick road
Massapequa, New York 11758
Mobile - (516) 690-xxxx
Home – (516) 804-xxxx

Objective: To find an elite company position where I make the most money with the least amount of responsibility. I would like to have at least four hours a day to nap, and both an expanding 401k plan and a CD account, carefully monitored by the planet's best cocaine-addicted financial advisors.

Work Experience

Tobacco Stop
2/02 - 2/02 (Fired after 3 weeks, happiest day of my life)
Position: Stock Boy/Dishwasher

First job experience, where I learned valuable skills such as how to hate work for the rest of my life, and how to proposition employees to buy me rolling papers. Developed an aversion to sweeping floors, which strengthened my reliance on teamwork in the workplace.

McDonald's Corp:
11/02-05/03
Position: Cashier

Learned how to walk away from the counter during the busiest of hours,(to pretend I was either cleaning tables, or repeatedly cleaning the same table to make it look as though I was contributing). Also learned how to follow around people with sub-teen IQ's and hear them repeatedly request for Big Macs in a rather savage manner.

CVS

01/06-04/06

Position: Photograph Technician (Probably the most important sounding title I'll ever have)

Learned how to use oft-broken photograph equipment to develop customer's pictures. Also mastered using the "Sorry, I'm new here." answer for three months to parlay patrons' questions about the costs and shelf whereabouts of various items.

Murray's Pizza
08/06 - 04/08
Position: the delivery guy

Developed good people skills eating garlic knots instead of making pizza boxes. Improved on my multi-lingual abilities getting referred to as such terms of endearment as 'feo', 'culero, and 'maricon', by the quartet of El-Salvadorian cooks in the back.

Accolades and Achievements:
High School Honor Roll 2000-2004
Led 4-team, 12-man Wiffle Ball league in strikeouts. (96 in 2007)
First man over the age of 8 to carry around a Ninja Turtles lunch box (2006)

Additional Skills:
Adept in Microsoft Paint
Gifted in requesting and accepting free food wherever I travel.

Essay on Work

2008-04-15T21:41:00.004-04:00

If the schmucks from the enlightenment, ie John Locke and Rene Descartes, can write essays about whatever 'betterment of man' bullshit they conjure up after getting too hammered the night before, then I have no choice but to out-duel these bitch-ass fools in a showdown of timeless essays.

This will be known as 'Fitzgerald's Essay on Work', and will be forever immortalized in the textbooks of the world's education systems.

I've had some pretty shitty, soul-erasing jobs in my day, and now is my time to use those hellish experiences as fuel for a creative brushfire.

When you take a look at the minimum wage in New York, (which is $7.15 an hour), one has to ponder the worth of his own being. Money can be replaced. However, when I donate my time to an undeserving employer, it's an investment I can't get a legitimate return on. There is no way for me to make up for the countless self-hatred sessions at work, when I could have been just as easily laying around all day playing video games. Throw in a bag of chips, and you've got yourself a couple of hours dedicated to serving the community.

With the economy failing miserably, one has to ask himself this question.

"Money or Life?"

A significant portion of one's existence will be spent trying to get some kind of material object, while that person wastes away precious opportunities for self-enjoyment. Money has the power to both divide and unite, to educate and degenerate. Like Nasir Jones once said: 'Who's to be praised..the almighty dollar, or almighty Allah?" He makes a great point. Cash flow is a far bigger motivator than development of human values these days, and it is pretty sad.

While your part-time job may be paying your bills for now, they aren't contributing to the developments of your passions. How can man reach his full potential, if his talents are held at bay and his mind is swallowed in the chains of servitude?

Hamas Scrotum Predicts 'Rome Will Be Conquered by Islam'

2008-04-14T17:38:00.004-04:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351242,00.html

While sitting on my ass with nothing to do at my better delivery job(the one that I didn't get fired from....yet), I discovered a Foxnews.com 'story' about how a member of Hamas predicted that Rome will eventually be taken over by the Muslims.

Rome would be, according to the article, "an advanced post for the Islamic conquests, which will spread though Europe in its entirety, and then will turn to the two Americas, even Eastern Europe."

This is certainly an interesting prognosis. Most of the guesswork I've recently heard involves the upcoming NFL draft, maybe a few Major League Baseball division winners, and which celebrity or rehab attendee will be the next recipient of a Lindsay Lohan blowjob. However I haven't heard any good, old-fashioned religious predictions in a while.

I'm pretty sure the Crusades ended around the late 1200s. That was almost 800 years ago. The golden age of religious wars and conquer-fests that span more than 20 miles are long over. Not to mention most Italians I know hate everybody else besides Italians anyway (I'm half Italian so I can play the generalization card), so I don't see a religious re-awakening in Italy anytime soon. This is probably especially true in a place like Rome, where the Vatican is too busy hording piles of money and chalices full of communion wine.

Another nice gesture, was a suggestion by Yunis al-Astal (the guy who made the prediction), that it is important for Muslim women to bomb people and sacrifice their lives to become martyrs for the cause. While this may be a splendid idea in most cases, it's pretty tough to spread your seed (literally and figuratively) across the world if the reproductive sector of the population is going to be up in flames.

I probably don't speak for most current Romans, but if I were to convert to a religion that wasn't the Jesus Christ Church of Ganja and Wiffle ball, you would have to give me a better selling point than promises of a violent death via explosion. If this maniac is going to sit here and make asinine predictions about global domination, I might as well do the same.

By the time I'm 30, I will have more money than Bill Gates and Warren Buffett combined.
Also by that time, I will have 72 illegitimate children around the world, and none of them will receive any type of child support. I'll command a more powerful prosthetic third arm similar to that of Dr. Claw (http://bestuff.com/images/images_of_stuff/210x600/dr-claw-25507.jpg?1173315785) from Inspector Gadget, which I will use to beat people over the head who defy me. And for a finale, I will garner Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year' laurels for twenty consecutive years, starting in 2012. I'd like to see Yunis al-Astal's herb ass try that shit on for size.

Yep....

2008-04-14T10:27:00.003-04:00

After taking a productivity break for the last couple of days, I checked Foxnews.com about an hour ago for some outrageous human interest stories to make fun of, and as usual I wasn't dissapointed.

To start everybody off with some fun stuff, some repeat sex offender (and I don't use the 'repeat' term lightly) was busted yet again for forcibly grinding with some chick on the subway. This is absolutely hilarious. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351120,00.html
The guy apparently was arrested a whopping 53 different times.

To quote the article: "And he has a lengthy rap sheet, with 30 arrests for sex abuse, 13 for jostling and two for grand larceny, police said. " Prior to reading this, I had no idea what the hell jostling even was. So I went ahead and looked it up for my readers' enjoyment.

Jostling - (v) To come in rough contact while moving; push and shove:
pertinent example: he jostled against the others on the crowded platform.

This is an interesting concept. How does one even get booked for something like this, let alone 13 different fucking times. I guess the guy just didn't learn his jostling lesson after the first seven times and wanted to shoot for another six. The article mentions that there just isn't enough room for sex offenders anymore behind bars, so it's more important that they end up in subways and shopping malls. Obviously in the eyes of the law, sex crimes are a far less offensive crime than selling somebody a dime bag of reefer. (Certain politicans and teachers might even agree with this sentiment.)

In the event both Freddy 'The Mad Jostler' Johnson and I happened to be competing for the same job, I don't see how I stand a chance with his stacked resume. I have had a few miscellaneous part time jobs over the years,(some of which I've luckily been fired from)... he has 30+ arrests for sex abuse. Who would you want in your office?

Another shining example of philanthropy reported by Foxnews.com included reports that teens are now sending nude pictures of themselves via the text message, according to 'experts'.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351171,00.html

I have a few points to make on this nonsense, with the first point questioning the credentials of these so-called 'teen-dating experts'. What kind of a sick fuck over the age of 18, would even want such a distinction, aside from these crazy-ass pedophile-types. Don't these jerks have anything better to do then to immerse themselves in the mating tactics of adolescents with half a brain.

The second point is, where the hell were these naked pics of my hot classmates when I was growing up? I had to deal with the emergence of Lil Jon, Barry Bonds' roid rage, and fake reports of terrorist threats during my adolesence. I wasn't in the lot of people fortunate enough to have pics of the hot chick with the super tits sitting next to them, sent to their phone to break up the monotony of Shakespeare readings during high school english. Fuck.

The start of my directing career.

2008-04-13T22:30:00.005-04:00

Spike Lee, watch your old ass. I'm takin' your job.

Boredom Experiment Beta Version

2008-04-04T00:10:00.005-04:00

Feeling a little restless and bored; I decided to see if I could write about something when I had absolutely nothing to write about. If I manage to pull this one off, I'll be able to keep smoothly knockin out these posts, and effectively ruling the internet with an iron fist.

The news of the day sucks - the biggest headline is the discovery of some Indonesian fish that can crawl. That's not news. Crawling serves a fairly limited purpose underwater in the first place, and second of all..regardless of its newly evolved legs, it's still a useless aquatic being stuck in a dead-end job with no opportunities for advancement. Once this 'generation next' fish impostor gets off its ass and starts designing concept cars, then give me a call. Until then he can go 'kiss my hairy beanbag'. (in the words of Lee Evans' character from Something About Mary.)

In between finishing that last paragraph and thinking about what the hell I was going to say next, I noticed an article on MSN.com which is claiming that women who happen to be talented, attractive, ambitious, and educated are staying single for longer in their lives, and going out to collectively whoop somebody's ass in the work world. This is great news for me, because now I can strive to be a professional golddigger if my writing career fails.

Worst comes to worst, using my superhuman mix of wit and intelligence, I'll woo one of these charming young professional women and just 'take em to church', so to speak. What will follow will be lots of money and unearned fame as I leave Kevin Federline's textbook herb ass in the dust. I can't wait to wake up on some rich bitch's couch in my pajama pants and hoody after a long evening of passionate dual-genital bashing.

Everybody watch yo' asses. I'm kickin down the door as Styles P would say.

Nuclear Arms Race adds excitement to baseball season

2008-04-03T10:07:00.004-04:00

Iran now has 'em despite pissing everybody off in the process. India and Pakistan slugged it out a few years ago to see whose plutonium schlongs were bigger. USA, China, and Russia had em originally and threw a collective 30 year world bitchfest. I'm talking about nuclear weapons if you havent picked up on it yet. Now that more countries who hate each other are keeping their shelves stocked with nukes, more drama and excitement are on the way!!

According to journalism's highest example of credibility Foxnews.com, Saudi Arabia is now experimenting with nuclear technology. So that probably means when they allow women to vote and leave their houses without veils on, (I can see this happening by 2048) they will be ready to compete with the world's large-market nuke centers.

Once that time comes, world tensions will increase and a full scale nuclear war will be ready to rock 'n roll. It's almost like March Madness, except instead of taking an airplane home and doing a press conference, losers will just instantly evaporate from white-hot fission induced radiation emissions. The stakes are much higher with a reward of a questionable survival with cancer in a few years! Who woudn't consider this a spectacle.

However, to avoid total human annhilation, there would have to be rules in effect to keep the competition clean and pure. I hereby name myself commissioner-elect who will arbitrate the 20?? WAC (World Atomic Championhips), held in lovely Megiddo, Israel. (Where Armageddon is supposed to take place according to the book of Revelation)

The first order of business would be the seedings to determine matchups. I like the way that NCAA basketball does it, with conference tournaments before the national one. So, we divide the world up into 4 brackets, based on continent location, and have them duke it out in a preliminary showdown. The higher seeds would be determined by who has the best nuclear programs, and the lower seeds would be nations who try to harness radiation by spraying aerosol cans at the ozone layer while rubbing two sticks together for heat. (This is to avoid the cinderella stories and ruined brackets, we want bookies losing and we wan't our best out there when the real thing starts.)

Political analyst Peter Campbell commented on his expectations for the tournament. "Nukes..bro," said Campbell as he paused the X-Box controller and inhaled deeply from a gravity bong conveniently located next to his office desk.

Whoever's country is not in complete ruins, will advance to the next round. A lesser grade nuclear weapon will be used during the preliminaries to save the real fireworks for the primetime matchups. One may ask what the neutral countries will do in such a large scale global conflict. Well, the answer is quite simple. Representatives from places such as Sweden or Switzerland will be deployed in booths at battle sites to sell concessions(like $9 hot dogs wrapped in white bread), T-shirts and other souvenirs(Foam 'Nuke 'em' Finger) commemorating the groundbreaking event. With immanent human extinction hanging on the mind, who would not want pics of themselves rocking a sweet WORLD ATOMIC CHAMPIONSHIPS' shirt to send to their friends that are probably already dead from the chaos.

To maintain the integrity of the battles, necromancers sponsored by CHUBB Insurance will be on-hand to revive those that die prematurely for a small price. A winner is deemed once the loser's battle area, (maybe an entire country) is turned into a wasteland. Judges(donned in fresh NFL official attire) will be called on to gauge how just much destruction is needed for the 'W'.

The winners of the entire thing (my pick is Iran, bank it..) will receive a large trophy in the form of a mushroom cloud made out of Uranium-235, along with the great distinction of being the only surviving people left on the Earth.

Following the Stanley Cup format, the trophy will show below the 'WAC' CHAMPION: IRAN' plate, the engraved names of everybody involved in the nuclear program. The trophy will be known as the 'Albert Einstein Trophy', and will be awarded to a new winner each year, provided humanity can rebuild itself in time for the next competition.

People during the Cold War hid under desks and feared the threat of a nuclear holocaust; however now it can be a battle of man's combination of natural scientific/physics aptitude and utter sociopathic insanity.

When will the madness stop?!?!!?

2008-03-31T10:21:00.002-04:00

After reading Foxnews.com this morning, and going 2 for 3 with two opposite field ropes in my baseball scrimmage yesterday; I came to another two irrefutable conclusions. The first is that I might just be the best hitter ever, and the second is that the world is worse off than it was a day before. (::thumbs up::)

Foxnews.com is trying to make the claim that long-term cell phone use is possibly more dangerous than cigarettes. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,343335,00.html

Has everybody lost their minds? I could see this making sense if the whole planet used Nextels for an extended period of time, and just got new forms of cancer caused by the unnatural levels of stress, frustration, and high blood pressure that comes with its maddening lapses in function and service. Aside from that, I don't see how cell phones could be any worse than the cocktails of harmful chemicals that tobacco companies throw into cigs. Last I checked there are no 'truth' commercials or phone skin-patches trying to stop people from talking into a cell phone. There's no cyanide or carbon monoxide in cellular devices either. People don't bitch to each other about how they want to desperately stop talking on a cell but can't.

Another article says some guy from Chitown is trying to profit off of executed serial killer John Wayne Gacy's artwork. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,343339,00.html

The guy corresponded with Gacy while he was still in the can, and sent him some cash for his paintings. I don't know what this guy is thinking as very few people actually buy artwork made by real artists, let alone paintings crafted by psychopathic murderers. No rational individual wants to represent the creativity of a derranged idiot such as Gacy on their living room walls.

To send everybody off with some happy news, some guy in Washington was busted for drunken driving twice in the same day. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,343728,00.html

...Outstanding.

Can't make this up...

2008-03-28T20:04:00.006-04:00

Public Service Announcement ^^ Keep this clown away from your picnic tables

After a long day of getting fired from my pizza delivery job and freeing up some appointment space in my busy schedule, I noticed some events today which really actually didn't remind me of Judgement Day, but gave me some hope for a bright future...

Starting everybody off on a lighter note, a 40-year-old man in Ohio was caught having sex with a picnic table on tape.

This is NOT a joke. http://www.fox19.com/Global/story.asp?S=8083860&nav=menu63_2

This doesn't even need any more elaboration as just the headline is ridiculous enough, but I'll continue for entertainment purposes. The article says the neighbor video taped the man giving his table the ol' wang attack on four seperate occasions between 10:30 in the morning and noon. There are two questions I have about this whole scenario. The first is the obvious one: what in the hell would possess a man to fuck his table in the first place?(in broad daylight no less, I would have at least waited until dusk), and the second is: why the hell is his neighbor taping him? It really makes you wonder who the bigger weirdo is, the guy who's fucking the table or the schmuck who is entertained by watching it.

Why does this give me hope for the future you ask? Because this is the type of shit I joke about from time to time, and to see somebody actually go through with it, really makes me feel good about the competence of my fellow man. I wanna meet this guy and give him a high five for making summertime bbq's from here on out synonymous with burgers, picnic tables, and guys with goatees having intercourse with them. Thank you Art Price Jr. (our amateur table-assisted porn star previously discussed) for giving picnic tables one more household use.

A 1000-lb woman accused of killing a small child may be deemed 'too obese for jail.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2008/03/27/ng.killer.too.obese.for.jail.cnn

The cops would have to remove the walls just to get the woman out of the house.

This is interesting because this is great news for any aspiring obese murderers. If they can't be put in jail because of their outrageous body width, I wonder what kind of other punishments they can be given. What are the authorities supposed to do, feed them salads and vegetabes for discipline? Should they be forced to attempt to hit the treadmill instead of being-handed community service? Should a 3-year suspension of Entemann's snack time be put in effect? These are burning questions that need to be examined soon for the sake of our judicial system.

To finish everybody up, Foxnews.com asks readers if a woman who killed her husband should get custody of their children. I think this question obviously requires a great debate with a careful examination of both sides.

I leave my fanbase with this question to ruminate: What the hell is wrong with everybody?

The Joker Redux: courtesy of Phil Fresiello

2008-03-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

A little something for your information

2008-03-26T19:44:00.004-04:00

(Disregard the abnormally large thumb and terrible rendition of planet earth)

Many of you (by many of course I mean all of the four people that actually read this) may wonder why I choose to keep such a cynical tone in my writings. People may ask themselves questions like "why does this kid make fun of everyone/everything?" or "why is he having fun at the expense of hooker-soliciting politicians?" or "why does he bother insulting celebrities like Miley Cyrus and Tom Cruise?. I'll clarify my intentions to my beloved readers in the following paragraphs.

As an aspiring media 'representative', I recognize my obligation to play the role of the 'media watchdog'. What this means is that when something stupid happens, I must not only report it, but do everything in my power to point out its flaws and why it is indeed stupid. If something that I believe to be lame is held in high public regard, then I must bring it back down to earth.

The reason I make fun of nearly everything is because I feel like just giving the facts is not enough. In today's generation where the bulk of our people can barely read or write properly and the average attention span is comparable to that of a goldfish with ADD, I must go above and beyond to really 'bring the pain.' People around the world really do a lot of stupid things, and so they must be mocked to the fullest extent of the law.

In relation to the knocks on these celebrities, I believe that if somebody garners attention for an obvious lack of talent, then they too must be hit with a typhoon of crazed insults as well as their fans. Tom Cruise was singled out because he tried fucking with Val Kilmer and failing, as well as trying to publicize his scientology crusade. Just go home to Katie..Tommy; and leave the religion to the TV evangelists and the acting to Val Kilmer.

Miley Cyrus might be a great person and inspiring individual to those close to her for all I know, but the fact that she has her own lame Disney sitcom and fanbase consisting of 6-year-old girls and 46-year-old men is enough to merit some insults. I should have my own sitcom, and I 'put my hood' on better ratings and some goddamn longevity. I bet she'll be off the air by 2010.

My rationale for the mock articles is because sometimes (actually most of the time) things that didn't really happen are a lot funnier and more entertaining than what really did happen.

My personal life goals including taking over the world and infiltrating every medium in a non-threatening goofy-ass fun way. I plan to give these proper assholes that run the show now a big linguistic slap in the mouth. ::Gives fist pump::

I don't even have a title for this post

2008-03-26T11:18:00.004-04:00

While sitting in copy-editing class trying to combat the writer's block that has afflicted me for the past few days, I saw a few articles which immediately set off the 'humanity failure' alarm in my head.

The first was the fact that a sick girl from Wisconsin died because her parents decided to just pray for her healing instead of bringing her to a doctor.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,341574,00.html

While of course this is sad, I do have a few words of wisdom for the parents of this girl for future reference. The first is that God clearly hates you guys. The second is a reminder that this is now the year 2008 (although I have issues remembering this as well), and it's no longer 1348. We now have modern doctors and hospitals and medicine that don't rely on having leeches bite the shit out of you to provide health remedies. I know some people are broke, but having the medical procedures done before you die and then skipping out on the bill is a good way to fuck the system. My friend still owes the doctor almost 1000 bucks from a few years back and they haven't done anything to him. Case closed.

Apparently the girl's mother still believes the girl can be resurrected. Yea....and my penis will multiply in length and my wallet will be filled with hundreds when I wake up tomorrow morning. See what happens in Wisconsin just a few weeks after Brett Favre retires? All hell breaks loose.

In other news, a 'woman' (from Oregon..go figure) ,who had a previous sex change and now claims to be a man, is pregnant.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,341595,00.html

Although the pregnancy was supposedly caused via the test tube, this is great news for the masses who enjoy fucking themselves in the future, and want to procreate in the process. As the old adage goes, "it's not jerking off anymore if you're having a kid."

That about does it for the day's absurdity. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Today's vexing moments: Apocalyptic indicators part dos

2008-03-25T00:32:00.002-04:00

After I wasted about an hour downloading a few Lupe Fiasco songs and looking on Foxnews to see the day's rundown of insanity instead of doing actual work, I came to a few conclusions. The first is that Lupe's pretty goddamn good and should receive more recognition from these foughasies that control the rap media. The second is that my computer sucks complete toucan dick, and slows down whenever programs open. The final conclusion is a summation of everything I said in my previous works: the fact that humanity is already fucked harder and faster (and probably more expensively) than Spitzer's 'dame' was.

There were a few articles that struck my fancy, but not enough to have more than a few points on each of them. So I'll just give you the lightning round runthrough.

The first thing that I found intriguing, was a dog in a Japanese Zen Buddhist Temple that mimics his master by 'praying'. While the owner is in the zone during a temple prayer session, the dog apparently sits up on his hind legs and puts his paws in the air.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,340889,00.html

While that's interesting and all (rolls eyes), what really irks me is the fact that people have actually gone to visit the dog at the temple. The owner of the dog said this to foxnews.com

"Word has spread, and we are getting a lot more tourists,"

It certainly doesn't happen every day, but being the dog has a limited brain capacity and probably can't comprehend concepts of nirvana and spiritual liberation, I don't think it should get this much attention. However if it starts attacking non-Buddhists after his daily helping of Kibbles and Bits, then that's a different story.

Another thing that caught my attention was news of a man who had his home ransacked by a bunch of Craigslist viewers.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,341089,00.html

This reminds me of shit that could definitely happen to me. There were a few fake ads on Craigslist that said a man in Oregon was forced to leave his property, and that his posessions were free for the taking. He found out about it when some woman called him and asked him if she could have his horse. On his way back home, he noticed about 30 people fucking running amok in his house and making away with his shit. He had difficulty stopping these people because they cited the ad on Craigslist and didn't believe the man was owner of the house. This is a just a prime example of how evil of a state Oregon is. First legal assisted suicides and now this. I don't even know how I would react if I came home to people making away with my Trapper Keepers and my goddamn Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunchbox. I'd be ready to 'get on some Ryu from Street Fighter shit' to combat these yokes.

One step closer to judgement day after these two.

Today's Signs of the Apocalypse: The Opening Act

2008-03-23T15:16:00.005-04:00

Mike Myers was never cool. Neither was Jamie Lee Curtis, and now she's like 63.

Being that it's Easter Sunday, and today marks the celebration of the day that Jesus became the first ever smooth-operating combination of humanity and divinity to resurrect himself from the dead, I thought it would be a good idea to look at the most ridiculous news stories of the day, and provide some commentary on them. I'll try to make it a daily thing, pending on how lazy I am at the moment and the amount of outrage I feel each day's events garner up. I think ESPN and Nostradamus did some well-publicized 'Signs of the Apocalypse' in years past (as well as some other schmucks who think they can write), but like the Asian Alcohol-fueled robot and fellow Lot Blogger Joe Bellear said: 'It's not who does it first, it's who does it the best." Another reason for the column is so I don't run out of shit to write about. Foxnews.com is a regular provider of ridiculous nonsense that nobody really believes is happening. (As many of you have noticed from the mock articles)

The first two events I noticed today that pissed me off and inspired me to alert the 'blogosphere' were the fact that a man in Massachussetts was killed over a loaf of bread. The second was news that Jamie Lee Curtis posed topless for the cover of this month's 'AARP' magazine. Ill elaborate on both of these in a few.

The man from Massachussetts was stabbed by a roommate over a dispute caused by a missing loaf of white bread. I could understand maybe if the man was killed over a loaf of pumpernickel or date nut bread, which is a bit more expensive; but white bread is pretty cheap and easy to find. Instead of violently stabbing his roommate to death, perhaps the man should have cordially asked him to go buy some more bread. People seem to fail to compromise way too often these days.

On to the Jamie Lee Curtis news...

There are few things that offend me on this crazy planet, but the fact that we are exposed to a 50-year-old actress(who starred in a bunch of bad horror movies) without a shirt on a magazine cover is one of them. It wouldn't bother me as much if she was a good 20 years younger and looked like a chick, but she fails to fall under both of those categories. Granted we don't actually have to see her tits on the cover(thank God), but I really don't even want it left to my imagination. This is the type of stuff that leaves us wondering when enough is enough.

Foxnews.com quotes her in the story with the following inspiring words:

"I've let my hair go gray. I wear only black and white. Every year I buy three or four black dresses that I just keep in rotation. I own one pair of blue jeans. I've given away all my jewelry, because I don't wear it,"

Based on these words, it's safe to say not only does she suck, but she's incredibly boring. Stop hording your money Jamie, and use it to help this economic crisis crippling the nation.

Child Obesity

2008-03-20T22:19:00.007-04:00

Childhood obesity may have a direct link to success later in life, according to a recent medical study conducted at Nassau Community College.

The research claimed that children between the ages of 7-12 who averaged at least 40 pounds heavier than their peers were more likely to have higher paying future jobs with a more positive body image.

Dr. Dick Fitz, a man who has nothing to do with Nassau Community, and has no real medical credentials, commented on the new findings.

"There's a lot of myths surrounding obesity," elaborated Fitz. "The fact that the majority of people in this country fall into the category means they're doing something right. Usually obese people have much bigger tits than their non-obese counterparts. Everybody knows that to get ahead in America these days; huge, floppy funbags are almost as important as a masters' degree."

Eric 'Bologna Nips' Stevens, a 12-year old with a body mass index of 60, (over 30 is considered 'morbidly obese') claims he's in the best shape of his life, and couldn't feel any better about himself. The 5-foot-3, 458 pound 8th grader commented.

"Man I feel great," said Stevens as he smiled and spilled some pizza sauce on himself. "All of the neighborhood kids are jealous of my greek-god physique. I love waking up in the morning and having to be airlifted out of my bed."

New rising fast food company 'McKing' has recently announced an advertisement campaign known as 'Tits for Tots', which endorse $1 Kid's Meals consisting of 4032 calories to promote childhood obesity. Many celebrities have signed on for future commercials.

McKing CEO Barry Jones believes that obesity is important for the continued prosperity of the nation. "I was in shape when I was younger.....bad idea," said Jones. "I stopped exercizing, started including more trans-fats in my diet, and never looked back. My wife now can't take her eyes off of me when I wear my leopard speedo that totally makes my crotch look invisible. Obese people are much more motivated to do things, like remain obese."

This girl will be a stud offensive lineman someday. Brighter future than I can say for some of us..

Some Therapeutic Venting

2008-03-18T10:18:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've actually done some blogging, but the current state of affairs suck incredible swelled-up cancerous balls and require a good old fashioned 'earful'.

There's a few things on my mind which need to be discussed. The first thing is the Eliot Spitzer situation. Obviously this has been a hot topic over the last week or so but it does require some further analysis. Spitzer may be an immoral jerk who loves hookers (who doesn't), however there is little reason why his career fails and this 'Kristen' (or whatever the hell her four different alias' may be) bitch gets all kinds of press. Spitzer went through years of education and rose through the political ranks. Great..he got with some hookers. What middle-aged politician doesn't? It's almost considered an obligation for a modern(or even from years back) political office-holder to fuck anyone but his wife. Ashley Alexandra Dupre' ran away from a supposed rich household, boned the governor a few times for some serious cash, made some shitty songs, and is now an 'overnight celebrity.' (To quote Twista's 2004 song, with that hot chick in the video that would never touch his fat pastry-chompin' ass in real life)

The opposite career path directions of Spitzer and his overpriced whore are a microcosm for the terrible situation this failing country resides in. When a sex transaction is looked at, it's always the guy looking for it who's considered the dick, and never the hooker. This is a sexist view that needs to be fixed. For all you aspiring engineers out there, I'll bring some physics into the mix. According to one of Newton's laws, every action must have an equal but opposite reaction. The same law also applies to prostitution.

The point here is that while I sit here broke typing my daily musings and mock articles rife with lingustic suave and comedic genius on a 4-year-old laptop, Ashley Alexandra Dupre' is now a household name. And all she did was re-enact a scene from the future porn classic "Hotel Assblasters with Client No.9" for a couple of bucks. To top it all off, Spitzer's successor is a 'legally' blind man who could have trouble reading the fine print on some New York lesgislature.

The above events combined with the fact that a convicted sex offender recently won the lottery, makes me question my own sanity and whether or not there's any justice left in this terrible world.

Tarot-Card fun

2008-03-18T10:11:00.003-04:00

the following was parodized from http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,338749,00.html

Skittles in school: The root of America's problems

2008-03-13T10:25:00.003-04:00

this article was parodized from http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/skittles.suspension.ap/index.html

Good ol' H20

2008-03-10T15:24:00.001-04:00

This article was parodized from http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/03/10/pharma.water1.ap/index.html

Have fun in hell.

2008-03-10T12:16:00.004-04:00

this article was parodized from http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,336330,00.html

This girl is my new personal hero.

2008-03-06T23:50:00.003-05:00

This article was parodized from http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,335709,00.html

I'm going to make sure my 4-year-old kids get good and drunk too.

I love America.

The 80s were terrible...

2008-03-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

tomorrow's forecast: sunny with a chance of armageddon

2008-03-06T10:21:00.003-05:00

this article was parodized from http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,335186,00.html

new fitness tips for the working man...

2008-03-05T16:01:00.002-05:00

'soldier girl' puttin' in work...

2008-03-04T16:41:00.004-05:00

This article is a parody of http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,334653,00.html

Raising the employment rate...

2008-03-04T15:50:00.003-05:00

A worthy Pulitzer candidate..

2008-03-03T14:45:00.004-05:00

Too 'T-Painful' at Somali Radio Station?

2008-03-03T12:14:00.003-05:00

the previous article is a parody of http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/03/02/somalia/index.html?iref=newssearch

Crack sales look to boost economy

2008-03-03T10:39:00.005-05:00

this article was parodized from http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/03/crack.release/index.html

How Pac Man is Enjoying his Vacation from the NFL...

2008-03-03T08:51:00.001-05:00

A Phil Fresiello Redux

Prison Party Time

2008-03-01T13:57:00.004-05:00

article parodized from http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,333780,00.html

Best way to start the morning...courtesy of phil fresiello

2008-02-29T15:14:00.002-05:00

i hate this town. Can't wait to make it out of the hood...

2008-02-29T03:23:00.001-05:00

rolling stone better watch their ass....

2008-02-29T01:15:00.003-05:00

BK TENDERCRISP: 70,000 calories of wholesome greatness

2008-02-29T00:02:00.002-05:00

it's tax season again!

2008-02-28T22:19:00.002-05:00

This is what I call good campaign marketing

2008-02-28T16:20:00.005-05:00

Barackobama.com

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,333557,00.html

2008-02-28T15:09:00.003-05:00

Esquire's newest cover boy

2008-02-28T14:37:00.004-05:00

New St. John's Policy

2008-02-22T18:33:00.001-05:00

Rays Baseball!!!!!!!

2008-02-21T12:10:00.001-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/02/19/nancy.reagan.out.hospital/index.html

2008-02-20T11:10:00.002-05:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3252733

2008-02-19T16:03:00.002-05:00

I'd like to thank Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Robert Stack, and Yasmine Bleeth for the Disney ad, (and her sweet 1998 tits)

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,330992,00.html

2008-02-19T03:12:00.002-05:00

http://www.wxii12.com/news/15311199/detail.html

2008-02-15T16:07:00.002-05:00

Brian McNamee Baseball

2008-02-15T10:52:00.002-05:00

Everybody's Favorite Phone Company

2008-02-14T01:38:00.002-05:00

New Important Medical Study

2008-02-13T20:13:00.001-05:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23144420/

2008-02-13T14:40:00.001-05:00

http://www.kpho.com/news/15289493/detail.html

2008-02-13T11:03:00.001-05:00

http://www.easports.com/maddennfl/features.jsp?platform=ps2

2008-02-13T00:27:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/02/11/911.charges/index.html

2008-02-11T14:07:00.001-05:00

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1581212/20080208/winehouse_amy.jhtml

2008-02-08T16:49:00.001-05:00

The Newest GQ Cover Boy

2008-02-08T11:56:00.001-05:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,329285,00.html

2008-02-08T00:27:00.001-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/04/bush.budget.ap/index.html

2008-02-04T14:58:00.000-05:00

Two Minutes

2008-02-03T15:43:00.000-05:00

How could this happen? All this work they had put in that manifested in the shattered records and euphoric Saturday evenings was all gone. Now all their football team had as compensation was a three score deficit at home to their cross-town rivals. Brandon frantically wondered what he could have done differently to affect the outcome thus far in the most important game of his young life. He thought to himself that two less interceptions and two more touchdowns would have been a good place to start.
He gazed around at his melancholy teammates and heard scattered chatter among the coaches. Most of the players were silent and looked disappointed. Team morale was visibly low.

After a few minutes, Head Coach Ron Meeks sensed this and addressed the team. Meeks had been a master motivator and had garnered the respect of his players year after year.

“Well gentlemen I’m thoroughly disappointed in all of you. We steamroll through the regular season and playoffs, and here we are...down three touchdowns in the big dance! I don’t know what the hell that was out there, but it certainly wasn’t football. Now get you’re heads out of your asses and lets get to work goddamnit!”

Meeks sat down with the assistant coaches to go over the second half game plan and Brandon immediately stood up. He walked to the front of the locker room and demanded everybody’s attention. With his booming textbook quarterback voice he began to speak, and with fervor.

“Alright boys, we didn’t come this far to lose. I know I didn’t play my best in the first half, but I want this victory more than anything else in this cold world. So who’s with me?” Brandon looked around the room and saw several players standing up one at a time and raising their hands and screaming. Brandon responded to the display of support. “That’s what the fuck I’m talking about! Now let’s go kick some ass and take what’s rightfully ours!” He then put his helmet on, pumped his fist and headed back out toward the field with his partners in battle.

As the second half started, dark clouds were covered the horizon and a light rain began to fall on the field. Brandon could sense the mounting difficulty of the comeback with inclement weather, but decided to leave the option of failure out of his mind completely. The Bulldogs received the kick in the second half, and then Brandon’s offense took the field.

Brandon screamed as he raced towards the bench to a warm welcome of high fives and pats on the back. Ron Meeks walked over and had some words.“Alright don’t get too cocky, we still have some work to do.”

The Bulldogs defense made a quick stop and their offense got back on the field. This time instead of a quick score, Brandon orchestrated a time-consuming drive of short passes and various runs to the team’s All-County running back Mo Jones. Gradually moving the ball downfield, the Bulldogs faced a critical third down play fourteen yards from the Gator endzone.

Brandon took the snap, and looked for an open receiver. Before he could take off and run after finding nobody open, he was crushed from behind by Andrew Wilkins, All-State Defensive End and probably the biggest, fastest guy on the Gators. The Bulldogs now faced a fourth down and their kicker Steve Martin nailed the field goal to make the score 28-17. After a few back and forth defensive stops by both teams, precious time ran off the clock.

It was now midway through the fourth quarter, and the Bulldogs had their work cut out for them. They needed a few big plays with only about seven minutes left if they wanted to come back. During a play stoppage, Brandon went over to the Bulldogs’ star cornerback She’ Mathis, grabbed his facemask and screamed. “Get me the goddamn ball!”

Two plays later, after a big gain by the Gators, their quarterback failed to read the defense and tried to throw a pass to the running back on the far left side of the field. Mathis waited there with wide eyes and jumped in front of the pass, intercepting it and running it back about thirty yards into Gator territory. Mathis looked over at Brandon and screamed “Let’s go baby, its crunch time!”

Brandon led the offense back onto the field with about four minutes to go. Like a true stud quarterback, he remained calm under pressure, avoiding the pursuit of the defensive line, accurately making throws and finding open receivers. He picked apart the Gators’ defense rather easily the entire drive, eventually finding Jamal Williams in the back of the endzone for his second touchdown of the day. A screaming Bulldogs home crowd could be heard in the background.

Down 28-24, Brandon had one final chance after a defensive stop to put the icing on the cake for his final season as a high school quarterback. Brandon seemed to effortlessly move the ball until they reached about midfield when they ran into some difficulty. An offensive holding penalty and a false-start resulted in a loss of fifteen yards moving Brandon’s Bulldogs back. They were now on their own forty yard line: a minute to go with only one timeout and they needed a touchdown. In the huddle Brandon tried to rally the troops one last time. “This is it for most of us……one last game, one last minute. How do we want to remember it?”

Brandon dropped back after the snap, and on the first play, a perfect spiral found Jamal Williams along the sidelines for a gain of about forty yards. Brandon calmly glanced at the scoreboard and saw the seconds slipping away - 49…..48…..47. The offense hurried to the line of scrimmage and Brandon spiked the ball to stop the clock with about 43 seconds to go.

After yet another Bulldogs first down inside the Gator ten yard line, Brandon overthrew a receiver in the endzone to bring up second down with fourteen seconds to go and no timeouts. Brandon’s next pass was batted away at the line of scrimmage; third down. On the next play Brandon rolled out right and tried to sneak a ball in between two defenders, which was knocked away. Now the Bulldogs faced fourth down and goal with four seconds to go, and the ultimate play of their magical season.

Brandon took his final snap as a high school quarterback. He quickly looked left, in front of him, and then to his right and tried to zip a pass in the right corner of the endzone. Fans in the seats strained their necks to see what was happening. A Gator player came running out of the endzone with the football, waving his arms in the air and jumping up and down. The ball was intercepted, and the Bulldogs fell just short of a County Championship. A disgruntled fan came running out of the stands screaming and flailing his arms wildly, and crushed Brandon on the back of the leg with a baseball bat. Brandon looked up at the 28-24 final score in painful agony, holding his shattered leg. He looked up at the sky and screamed.

Another Day at the Office

2008-02-03T13:57:00.001-05:00

The combination of the pouring rain pounding against the office window and the dissonant sound of his boss’ chatter in the far corner of the room was enough to nearly drive Bert insane.

“Jesus Christ, every day is the goddamn same,” he thought as he reluctantly placed on his glasses and leafed through a stack of papers. He began punching in some numbers into his obsolete 1997 IBM Aptiva computer. Every so often it would freeze, prompting Bert to smash the screen and scream ‘FUCK!!’ at the top of his lungs, garnering dirty looks from fellow employees within close proximity. For the last five years Bert’s been trapped in this plain office building, high atop the skyscrapers of Manhattan, in his cramped charcoal-colored cubicle. Bert also hated that the office didn’t have carpeted floors and never updated its equipment, leaving him to have to start over when his data was erased by shotty hard drives. His usual daily mission was to design, maintain, and update software to keep the company’s payroll department operating smoothly. He would give an occasional complaint to his boss Mike about his issues with the office, but Mike was an apathetic, laid-back guy by nature, and usually just gave a simple response. “Eh It’s cool Bert, don’t worry about it.”

Bert was a man of average height, close to six feet, and about 190 pounds. He sported a thick black goatee, and had short black hair which he didn’t bother styling. He was in his late twenties and beginning to get bored with his profession, perhaps wanting to eventually explore another walk of life. Originally a Long Island native, he traveled west and received a degree from UCLA in computer science, but felt he had a mind to excel in other fields as well. He looked over at the worker in the cubicle next to him, an older man, and started a conversation. “You know Jim…” Bert said as he got up and stretched. “I don’t think we were meant to sit around in this stuffy, fucking office all day. I need a vacation…possibly a permanent one.” The man responded to Bert’s assessment with a chuckle. “Ah relax Bert, you’re way too young to be complaining. Look at it this way….I’ve been here for thirty years!”

The thought of the man’s words nearly made Bert sick to his stomach. He shook his head in disgust, and walked over to the Poland Spring water cooler on the opposite side of the office. As he began to pour a cup to hydrate himself from the previous night of binge drinking with his closest comrades, he overheard a conversation from a small group of interns standing on his right.

“Hey Jill, did you see last night’s ‘American Idol?’

“Yea I did, Chris, what a really great show!”

Bert lost interest immediately, finished his water and stopped for a second to look at a poster on the wall next to his supervisor’s office. It was an image of an astronaut floating above the Earth with an inscription that read ‘Be the best you can be today’. Bert questioned how one could optimize ability in the shittiest of offices such as this, but continued back to his desk.

After about an hour, Bert glanced at the clock and realized it was time for his daily break for lunch. He made his way toward the elevators, pumped his fist in celebration and arrived at the downstairs lobby where the building’s cafeteria was located. While pondering which overpriced, poorly made sandwich he would order he noticed a morbidly obese woman wearing a red dress with a noticeable moustache. The sight of the woman appalled Bert, and made him question his own sanity.

He ordered a sandwich with roast beef and plastic mozzarella cheese, and planned to wash it down with a red Gatorade to replace the lost electrolytes sustained from punching his computer screen all morning. While he sat down and chomped his sandwich, he thought of the millions of things he would rather be doing than working. ‘If only I could get rich,” he thought to himself. “Things would be much better. I could sleep all day and still have money, have real sandwiches that don’t taste like dicks, and won’t have to worry about fat chicks with moustaches ruining my day.”

He walked outside the revolving doors of the building’s entrance to have a cigarette and contemplate his existence. It was still raining so he stood under the building’s overhang, lit up a Marlboro Menthol, and took a few puffs before gazing at a few bystanders walking along 5th Avenue. He walked to a newsstand next to the building and picked up the day’s paper, and an innocent looking lotto ticket. Before he finished the cigarette, he noticed a homeless man sleeping on a bench down the block from the office building. Bert thought to himself, “It could be worse; at least I’m not that fucking bum I guess”. He turned around and walked back inside the building.

When he arrived back his desk, he pulled out a quarter and began to scratch off the lotto ticket. Taken completely by surprise, he realized he had just won the ticket’s grand prize of four million dollars. Bert looked again to make sure he wasn’t wrong, and then checked three or four more times to confirm. He then pinched himself to make sure he was awake. Unable to hide his ecstasy, he began jumping around the office screaming like a maniac. He ran to a nearby co-worker’s desk nearby whom he didn’t usually speak with, put his hands on her shoulders and screamed: “I’m Goddamn RICH!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!!!” Leaving the woman befuddled at his strange outburst, he stormed into his supervisor’s office. Mike, a tall man with tan skin and greasy hair wearing a black fake Armani suit, was sitting there in his leather seat. Bert looked at Mike and excitedly spoke some choice words. “Mikey..I just won the lottery baby. Four million dollars! Four and six fucking zeroes!” Bert extended his finger at Mike, pointed at him and continued screaming. “So you know what Mike…go fuck yourself boss!.

He left Mike’s office and moved back towards the elevators. All he could think about was what he could spend his money on. Perhaps a new mansion, some lavish vacations to the exotic ends of the earth, beautiful women, no more dealing with computers from the mid 1990s; the thoughts were quite exciting. Bert ran outside the building screaming with joy, and proceeded to cross the street to his car located in the garage on the opposite side of 5th Avenue. However before he could make it across, the last thing he saw was a windshield of a bus coming his way…

A few hours had passed, and several police and ambulance vehicles had sealed off the area. The homeless man who had been sleeping on the bench earlier, walked over to investigate what happened. He looked on the ground near where the tragedy occurred, and saw a completed lotto ticket. He picked it up, and walked away.

The Quiznos' Sammy: The Real Cause of Poverty in America.

2008-02-02T20:25:00.000-05:00

The CEO of Quiznos is going to hell.

Some people might try to blame the fall of the middle class on the poorly balanced concentration of wealth in this country. I think that's ridiculous. The REAL reason is because Quiznos is fucking everybody's wallet harder than Jenna Jameson.

I went in earlier(like 20 minutes before I wrote this), and ordered a few of the flatbread Sammy sandwiches. Quiznos tries to lure their unsuspecting victims with a marketing gimmick saying the sandwiches are only $2 a piece. While they do taste pretty damn good, the amount of meat they put on the 'sandwich' (a poor representation at that) wouldn't satisfy a 99 pound homeless crackhead's appetite. I asked for extra chicken on one of them(at a 99 cent charge of course, which is half the price of the fucking sandwich itself) and they gave me like 3 more little pieces of chicken. I dont even think they would consider that 'extra chicken' in the shantytowns of Uganda, let alone in Seaford.

The bottom line here is that Quiznos provides absolutely no bang for the buck. And in turn a dreadful economic recession is in the works. While it's easy to blame the oil companies for having everybody's balls in a vicegrip and corporate America for creating a culture of materialist zombies, let's not lose sight of the real villain here. A sandwich might be man's last shot at freedom....and I'll fight to the death anyone trying to fuck with my individual liberties.

Just giving everybody some food for thought...no pun intended.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3225606

2008-02-01T11:45:00.001-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/democrats

2008-01-31T22:41:00.000-05:00

Top 3 Worst Movies Of All Time

2008-01-30T02:02:00.001-05:00

Being that I did a previous piece on my top 5 most badass movie characters; I thought I would give readers some more juice and follow it up with the top 3 worst movies ever. Why the number three you ask? Well, the real reason is I couldn't think of another two movies that fell in the same category of 'God-forsaken' that these three disgraces of film had written all over them.

3) Mouse Hunt with Nathan Lane and Lee Evans (the F-list actor, not the receiver on the Bills who did a remarkable job of not catching the football this season and screwing my fantasy team)

I remember seeing this waste of an hour and a half when I was about 11 or so. Of course then I might have been young, loud, and stupid, but I damn sure knew an awful movie when I saw it. I remember watching this and Home Alone 3 in the theatres within a relatively close time frame, and both flicks made me re-think whether I ever wanted to go to a movie theatre again. After watching Nathan Lane's boring ass fall on his face the whole movie in a broken-down antique house, (because a fucking mouse wouldn't let him sell it) I had serious concerns about the the status-quo of the movie industry. A short note to the director - If you can't entertain an 11-year-old for more than 5 minutes, then it's time to go back to flipping burgers for a living. Like the rapper Sheek Louch once said in similar terms, "take your old ass home and take a nap..you're garbage [man]"

2) Eyes Wide Shut with Tom 'everyone hates me' Cruise, and then-wife Nicole Kidman

Stan Kubrick really brought out the fucking marching band on this three-hour borefest. This was the biggest tease of a movie I've ever seen. It's bad enough Nicole Kidman lost her 'Batman Forever' hotness like four years earlier, but Tom Cruise and his personality-plus demeanor did what he does best, and that's ruin movies. (If this offends the four Top Gun fans out there...don't worry about it and keep your traps shut. I'm glad Val Kilmer whooped his ass on the set.) For a movie that could have had some potential because of the sexuality-themed plot, there was not nearly enough nudity to go around. I could have got more R-rated entertainment out of a damn PBS show. The plot centers around Cruise's character getting pissed that his wife (played by Nicole Kidman...how original) said that she almost cheated on him. The next few hours shows Cruise's character walking around and watching some jerks in costumes pretend to have an orgy. Instead of watching this I recommend you just drive around for three hours instead...you might see a little bit more action.

1) Feardotcom with Steven Dorff (I didn't even remember who was in the fucking thing)

I don't even know where to begin with this joke of a 'motion picture'. (if you could even call it that). I could have made my own movie with Windows Movie Maker that included NO dialogue or music, and just a black screen for an hour, and I guarantee it would be more riveting than Feardotcom. I'll never forgive my moron friend (John...you're a total dick) for making me watch this one night a few years ago when we had nothing to do. According to the Moviefone website, the Washington Post called it a "depraved, incoherent, instantly disposable piece of hackery." The movie has an absurd plot to begin with, centered around a website that causes the death of its viewers. Last I checked, the Internet is for instant messaging, the free exchange of ideas and information, and pornography (that calls for two thumbs up, fuck just one)..... not killing people. I had difficulty even finding a synopsis of the film online. I could be speculating, but I doubt anyone wanted to revisit the terrible emotions evoked by even thinking about this cinematic travesty.

I'm not really one for cliches, but If I could perform just one benevolent act in my lifetime; it would informing the masses to avoid these films like the plague. Thank you for your time.

**Note - The image on the Feardotcom movie poster bears a striking resemblance to the Canadians on South Park.

o u t l a w 1513: did we see mousehunt together?
g P o Caly Pse: haha yea
g P o Caly Pse: remember how shitty it was
o u t l a w 1513: yep

The 2008 Newsday Job Fair: A Stark Reminder of a Hopeless Future

2008-01-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

A few days prior to the violent AC pocket assault, I had attended a Newsday-held Job Conference in the Marriott located near LaGuardia Airport. The conference was a bunch of newspaper recruiters trying to mack it with the next big crop of inept aspiring journalists. It ended up being pretty useless, but at least I got to spend 50 bucks for some hotel- catered chicken bistro, and new astounding knowledge of shit I already know.

The day started out with a bang when I went to the library to print out copies of my half page resume, (which lists Microsoft Paint, Word, and Powerpoint) in the Extraordinary Skills section) and an old story I did for the school paper a few months ago. I figured I would be as productive as possible today, and network as much as possible. Being my resume had less relevant print experience than a sweat shop worker; I’d have to charm some people with my sparkling personality….

In layman’s terms…I was fucked from the ol’ ‘get-go’.

After a usually boring and soul-stealing commute to Queens, me and South Korea’s finest - Joseph Bellear, arrived at the hotel. The lovely people at the Marriott were even nice enough to charge us for a few hours of parking. We entered the hotel’s ballroom which featured the recruiters of various newspapers stationed at tables around the room. While I was standing around for about 20 minutes with my thumb in my ass waiting for an interview, I overheard a fellow job-applicant tell a recruiter that she graduated in 2002. Thinking it was 2005, I hoped to all holy-hell that I wouldn’t still be on the prowl for a job three years after graduating. Then I recalled it was actually 2008, and I realized what kind of vicious enemy I’m squaring off with.

Most of these papers required years of reporting experience, and internships also required previous internships elsewhere. Allentown Pennsylvania’s esteemed publication ‘The Morning Call’ (yea, I haven’t heard of it either) has some balls asking for 3-5 years of experience, when a blind orangutan with dicks for brains could probably cover all the news that happens in that city. Lunchtime finally approached and the food was clearly the best part of the day. Joe and I were seated next to a few reporters from one of the papers represented. They began a conversation about economics, mortgage foreclosures, and their Honda Civics. I began to ponder why the hell I chose this line of work in the first place.

Midway through their very boring conversation, some schmuck with glasses and a lisp, who looked kind of like the dude from the early-90’s Scottish pop group The Proclaimers, ( search google images, 'The Proclaimers' for a visual)asked one of the reporters if there was going to be a great depression soon. Startled by the man’s lack of intelligence, I responded casually: “Hopefully..I’m broke anyway.”

After lunch I noticed another woman's resume' highlighted that she traveled to China to teach kids English and won an award for translating a book from German. Aside from the CBS Sports gig, wiffleball stardom, and my few porn flick cameos with Tera Patrick and Briana Banks, my resume' didn't really compare.

I talked to about three or four more recruiters; all of which said basically the same thing. Get more clips(articles) published and get some internships. That’s basically hire-speak for “Write for a paper and get more internships... just not with us….we don’t want your unqualified punk-ass anywhere near our newsroom.” Nothing I didn't already know, but that's the very reason I went to the conference in the first place. There's few things out there more satisfying than paying money to be told you can't work someplace. I suggest everyone tries it.

Thus…I’m going to have to make my own way in the media world somehow. Otherwise I’ll be living off Ramen somewhere in South Dakota, cruisin’ in a candy-painted Honda Civic on spinners to some high school athlete’s house for a groundbreaking feature interview. Kick ass.

Atlantic City: Making New Jersey Almost Seem Like the Place to Be

2008-01-20T18:16:00.000-05:00

The Showboat: Where 'a little money' + gambling = fuckin' broke :)

Over the weekend I made it my personal mission to be the 'Brokest Man Ever to Go to Atlantic City (excluding the local slumdwellers of course, but that doesn't count). I even one-upped myself, attempting to go with about 5/8 of what I came with last year. Armed with approximately 52 dollars and some old taco bell receipts in my wallet, I was trying to recreate some of the 'rags-to-riches' tales seen on the silver screen. The travel/housing accomidations were provided for by the generous family of one of my partners in stupidity, Phil Fresiello.

The day started out with a bang, as we stopped at a pretty good restaurant in 'historic' Smithville, New Jersey for lunch and some spirited early-afternoon conversation. Luckily for me, the meals were also taken care of by Phil's family, so all I had to worry about was an honest day's work of low-budget gambling and lots of free booze. When we finally arrived at The Showboat, our hotel for the evening, I entered the lobby donning my headphones and blue pajama pants. The familiar ambience of live smooth casino-style jazz, flashing lights, pumped oxygen and nicotine set a nice mood for the hard-earned millions of dollars the casino would rob from everybody's pockets that day.

After I settled into the room, I lounged around and put on the idiot-box. There was some news coverage of the Democratic caucuses. I didn't feel like moving, so I left it on to see if I can actually get any information or entertainment out of it. Just as I suspected, I got neither and ended up falling asleep. After my boring-television induced short nap, I showered, outfitted myself in a fresh button-down, jeans and a hat and headed casino-bound to make my rounds as a shining example of walking poverty.

I ordered myself a white russian to start off my next few hours of alcohol nourishment, and began strategizing my wagering plans of attack. Being I had limited funds, I'd have to make it count. So I decided to throw half of it on a blackjack hand. The dealer wished everyone good luck and began to flip everyone their cards. My first two cards were an Ace and a face card. Boom..blackjack already. I pumped my fist in triumph, picked up my chips and left the table 37 dollars richer thanks to the blackjack odds. However, this would not be a sign of things to come.

Following a short break, I decided to try my hand at the roulette tables. Both Phil and I ended up losing a few games in a row, and right before dinnertime I was back down to a cool 24 dollars. I needed to get my head out of my ass, and went back to the room with Phil to eat some roast beef sandwiches, drink some 24's we brought from home, and re-think our plan of attack. I borrowed a single from Phil to make my total 25, and ventured back downstairs and threw the remainder of my money on another roulette game. This turned out to be the best decision of the evening, as I ended up losing and being cleaned out at about 9:15.

"If you can't beat em, you might as well get cancer." exclaimed Phil as we sat down to have a cigarette for another break in the action. At this point a toothless, drunken bum with a strawberry daiquiri in hand came over to us and asked Phil for an extra bogie. A conversation about that evening's Roy Jones/Felix Trinidad fight and the rapidly rising gas prices subsequently followed.

For the rest of the evening I focused on receiving multitudes of watered down drinks from the various cocktail waitresses. Of course I couldn't leave a tip because of my expert gambling, so I basically wandered from section to section and ordered from different people. Unfortunately for the American male, the days of the hot cocktail waitress seem to be long gone.

We then decided to scope the scene for any attractive, single debutantes looking to get their 'swerve on' with a couple of sexy, broke dudes from the Island. Our options were pretty limited, as all we mostly saw were Virginia Slim-smoking old women, and a few hot chicks with fat boyfriends. I understand the whole 'hot chicks like money' thing, but give me a break. People tell me to have pride in myself, yet I'm not walking around with some James Gandolfini look-alike grabbing my ass.

I finally had enough of New Jersey the next day, when I saw some guy in the breakfast nook wearing a shirt that read 'I've got Girls on Lock', next to a picture of a lock and key.... pretty uncool.

All in all, I did enjoy myself contributing my entire wealth as a human being to the Jersey economy. I did get a nice parting gift of a fake gold chain with the Showboat logo. Looks like it can be a nice flashy accessory to any outfit. Damn I love vacations.

The beginning of something terrible ....read if you're bored

2008-01-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

11/8/2007

This blog is dedicated to those jolly folks sleeping outside of Penn Station in trash bags....keep up that endless determination to succeed at your craft.

Some random dick once told me that if I wanted to be a future journalist (whether I would turn out to be an inept or a competent one is irrelevant, as long as I got paid)..I would have to start writing on a regular basis. At first I thought it was ridiculous and brushed off the idea, but now that I'm in my last year at the world's worst academic institution and the future is within sight, I'll begin to abide by that sagely advice.

I feel like I can relate to most readers with humor, regardless of disparities in interests. Using the always accessible Facebook as a medium for my writings and ideas, I'll see if i can't hone my skills a bit.

Somebody also once told me to write about what I know. Easier said than done, as my sphere of knowledge is basically limited to professional football,( the Jaguars specifically), wiffleball, sandwiches, music, and internet pornography. Aside from the professional football and music aspect, not much can be said about the other three topics, but I'll do the best I can with everything my borderline insane mind can come up with.

Before I get into the more in-depth topics, let me start with some personal information for those of you aren't aware of my reputation of nonsense. I currently hold a badass entry level job at CBS Sports in Manhattan, where I log football broadcasts and endlessly stuff my face with company-provided food. To supplement that income, I also deliver pizzas to fat-shit suburban republicans in the greater Seaford area. Thankfully I'm in my final year of a quest for a journalism degree at the poorly esteemed St. John's University, known to many as the 9th circle of hell. Like most 'higher' education students, I'm hoping to make something of myself in the years following college. If that fails, than I'll just make a career out of selling kids booze, cigarettes and dutches at various gas stations for the rest of my life. (I would look at it as a delightful example of serving my community.)

That's about it for an introduction, I'll come back with various posts on the state of the Jacksonville Jaguars (not that anybody besides me even cares about them, including people from Jacksonville, as their games don't sell out and get routinely blacked out on local television), and whatever else comes to mind. Good evening.

David Garrard: Jesus Christ Redux

2008-01-08T12:46:00.001-05:00

12/22/07

Back in the wonderful time known to most as the late- 1990's, there was prosperity in the nation, good hip-hop, and a man amongst boys in Jacksonville. A hero by the name of Mark Brunell was making defensive backs around the league look like Helen Keller, and made his living firing darts to Jimmy Smith and Keenan McCardell. At the moment, all looked well.

The state of affairs quickly took a turn for the worse in the early 2000's as George W.Bush was elected,Rage Against the Machine broke up, the Jaguars started losing games, and MTV tried to make it seem like Chingy actually had fans. The franchise began the end of Brunell's era of competent offensive play when they chose Marshall superstar Byron Leftwich with the 7th overall pick in the 2003 draft.

The Jaguars offense, with Leftwich under-center, proceeded to do a splendid job of keeping the points off the board, and the defense on the field for 50 minutes a game. It was a lot of fun watching Leftwich throw one-hoppers to Ernest Wilford on third and 20. As long as this shitshow was going on every Sunday, the Jaguars were doomed to mediocrity. In addition to that, they were also widely regarded as the most boring team in the league. The offense was about as entertaining to watch as Oprah is to a serial killer.

November of 2005 rolled around, and despite a winning record scorunged up because of consistent defensive play and a soft schedule, my frustration as a fan would continue. In the 11th game of the season against Arizona, Adrian Wilson broke Leftwich's ankle on a safety blitz. Leftwich's injury would put him out of commission for the rest of the regular season. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise as this would be then-backup quarterback David Garrard's chance to show his ability over an extended period of time.

Behind Garrard, the team won four out of their next five for a strong finish(with the obligitory ass-raping from Indianapolis being the only loss), and looked pretty hot going into the playoffs with 12 wins. Just in time for Wild-Card Weekend against New England, Leftwich was given medical clearance to play. A quarterback controversy was now getting the Jaguars some rare media attention before the playoffs. Head Coach Jack Del Rio had a serious decision to make. Does he go with the hot hand in Garrard, and ride the team's momentum into the playoffs? Or does he take a chance ruining team chemistry and go with a questionably healthy Byron Leftwich. He ended up starting Leftwich, who on two good ankles has the mobility of a Vietnam vet with no legs, now playing with a freshly healed broken ankle. The Patriots literally manhandled the Jags 28-3. Their pass rush forced Leftwich to do what he usually does, get knocked on his ass and not get the football to his receivers. He even capped off a very-forgettable evening with an interception to Asante Samuel returned for a touchdown to seal the deal. The Jaguars were now eliminated from the playoffs, and after a few 24's of malt liquor I reserved my right to express myself as a logical fan, screaming the F-word and punching pipes on the sides of buildings.

(If you wish to know more about the Jaguars in 2006, just stare at a wall for an hour instead. You will be more entertained.)

Before the 2007 season opener, Jack Del Rio gave the pink slip to Leftwich and kicked his lame ass to the curb, naming David Garrard the team's starting quarterback. Fourteen games into the season, the decision is looking pretty damm smart. The Jags are 10-4, have a firm hold on the AFC's 5th playoff seed, and can actually get the ball into the endzone from time to time. David Garrard is third in the league with a 101.6 quarterback rating, and unlike Leftwich, he can complete passes. It's a fuck of a lot more fun watching Garrard roll out and make all kinds of plays, than it is to watch Leftwich take ten seconds to throw an incomplete pass or fumble the snap. Not to mention, Garrard wears some of the freshest suits around in his postgame interviews. Jesus might have been able to work miracles and raise motherfuckers from the dead, but I bet Garrard will have that covered by the end of the season.

A look at the concept of Humor

2008-01-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."-Horace Walpole, some 18th century dick British thinker

I was sitting in my room enjoying a tall glass of milk and had my Winamp pumping Ludacris' 2001 masterpiece 'Rollout' (probably one of his last flashes of talent before he started to make songs with Mystikal) at a high volume, when I had a rush of philosophical inspiration.

I thought about the concept of humor, and its importance in humanity

First, let's take a gander at its definition. According to the hotbed for information known as Wikipedia.com: (a site whose credibility is often in question, kind of like the American government)- Humor is the ability or quality of people, objects, or situations to evoke feelings of amusement in other people. The term encompasses a form of entertainment or human communication which evokes such feelings, or which makes people laugh or feel happy.

By the word's definition, and what we as humans know through emotion, one can make a statement with confidence that humor is priceless in our everyday lives.

As long as we're stuck competing in a world corrupted by widespread crime, Daddy Yankee, global warming, and large controlling groups of lame caucasians, we absolutely need humorous occurances or thoughts to get through our daily routines relatively unscathed from stress.

From my own personal experiences; I feel as though there are many setbacks in life. As long as I keep cracking stupid jokes and making the sorry ballbag standing next to me smile, I feel like I have some reason to be here. It gives me a jolt of happiness, and a bit of energy to help maintain a degree of focus and 'stay on my grind', as the urbanites would say. It prevents me from getting too down on any given situation.

Laughter is rather therapeutic, and according to Webmd.com (probably a bit more legitimate than Wikipedia), regular laughter can supposedly release endorphins, promote a relaxed state of mind, and benefit the immune system... sounds like a goddamn party to me.

Another brilliant thing about the concept of humor, is that it is universal. Doesn't matter where a person is from - whether they are a professional cricket player, or the neighborhood crack dealer. If they don't like to laugh - then I think it's safe to say without being too subjective, that they lack a soul and probably hate everything that's cool anyway. These are the people who end up like Karl Marx, starting a revolution that led to a really shitty system of government and a long-term regression of intelligence for several societies.

So next time someone sarcastically tells you to 'laugh it up', take full advantage of their thoughtful invitation.

Religion and Politics: Pretty Lame in my book :)

2008-01-08T12:40:00.000-05:00

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other” - Mark Twain

As superathlete wide receiver and NFL showman Chad Johnson would say: "Too true, Mark".

Poorly orchestrated religious organizations together with dishonest politics,(which are abundant in today's world) are things that when brought together, are pretty good ingredients for the ruin of a perfectly good society.

Politics is something that whenever I try to seriously consider paying attention to, I come up with a million things better to do, like punch myself in the face with brass knuckles. However I understand that as a young adult poised to supposedly make a big impact on the 'real world', I need to have some degree of knowledge to what's going on around me. But it is quite difficult to put my blind faith in a bunch of cash-hording pretentious scrotums who are taking my hard earned money as tax dollars and raising the price of my gas. As if the cost to maintain my scrap-heap Saturn Ion wasn't enough, now I have to contribute some more funds to the 'face of evil' aka Dick Cheney's pockets and pacemaker bills.

After 2000, and the election fiasco where Bush was granted a mulligan in the vote counts, I pretty much came to the conclusion that my vote probably isn't that important. Especially if people vote, and then the guy who loses gets a do-over. The Super Bowl loser doesn't get that kind of treatment. They don't get to re-play the second half, so why should something like that happen to the decision that chooses the leader of the so-called free-world.

After the passing of the genius Patriot Act, which is the best piece of legislature since the Emancipation Proclimation, I pretty much stopped taking the political system seriously. As long as the political infrastructure is controlled by money-fueled motives, the cares of the common man will be ignored. The middle-class will gradually vanish due to the uneven distribution in wealth. The Democrats and the Republicans (ironically their elephant and donkey logos provide an accurate listing of the animals they fuck) can both shove it, because it's not going to bother me that much as long as I have some food to eat and theres some football to be watched. Sometimes, less is more. This is one of those times. When my friend's father asked me who I would be voting for, I responded semi-jokingly with: 'Myself."

As far as religion goes, I believe in a God, and I believe he's not that much of a dick. I believe he understands the importance of enjoying our lives in a not-too-destructive manner, and he's (or It's, if you think God is a female/lacks a gender) not going to care that much if we do just enough to have a little fun in our spare time. The ideal of religion is quite harmless - a group of people, getting together for the common purpose of saying some damn prayers. Fair enough. But when you add the whole " You're going to have the same religion as me or I'm going to walk into your restaurants with bombs attached to my chest" thing into the mix, then there is not going to be a very positive vibe. If everyone were to worship in their own way, and keep their trap shut about it, we wouldn't have to deal with guys like Reverend Billy 'I'm a moron evangelist' Graham's nerdy ass on the radio spouting off his nonsense. We could have civilizations without the pointless deaths of people over religious differences, and societies who don't hate electricity and coffee like the Amish and Mormons.(Although the polygamy thing could be quite stylin'...)

The bottom line here is, when it comes to religious and political beliefs, everyone needs to stop listening to their stupid next door neighbors with the single digit IQ's and the ugly tan colored vinyl siding, and start thinking for them-damn-selves. Otherwise, everybody's goin' to hell in a handbasket. So live it up, follow the laws, and say your prayers in the morning.

**This article is not meant to offend the Amish and Mormon religious groups.

Jesus loves us all.

Steve Young football.

Top 5 Most Badass Characters in the History of Cinema

2008-01-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

I was watching the week's football highlights on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson when I decided I need to write about a countdown of some of my favorite movie characters. If you haven't seen any of the movies mentioned, I recommend you drop the 'Highlights' magazine, stop watching 'Gossip Girl', and get on your damn job. I guarantee you they're better flicks than the Brittany Spears box office smash 'Crossroads'.

I'll start from five and work my way up, because I think any type of countdown is always more climactic when you save the illustrious number 1 for last.

5) Joe 'Coop' Cooper from BASEketball

played by Trey Parker

Joe Cooper created a game combining the rules of basketball and baseball with his childhood friends, and became a sports superhero doing it. If that's not one of the coolest things in the world, then I sure don't know what the fuck is. Cooper got to hook up with Yasmine Bleeth before her crack addiction, made a sick child's dreams come true, and was asked to have a hot dog with his childhood hero Reggie Jackson. Joe Cooper and his cast of characters made BASEketball into one of the better movies of our generation, and it definitely should have been worthy of Best Picture considerations at the 1998 Oscars instead of wack-ass 'Shakespeare in Love'.

4) Peter Gibbons from Office Space

played by Ron Livingston

Good ol' Pete Gibbons defied the odds and beat the 9-to-5 workday to a pulp with the nonchalance and inner calm of a zen grandmaster. Gibbons is a model of why America should not suffer through boring cubicle work while wearing the khakis with the multicolored four dollar tie ensemble on 'Casual Friday'. Gibbons found a way to extort a shitload of money from Initech, find favor with the company's upper management, and bag Jennifer Anniston while watching David Carradine's 'Kung Fu', all in approximately 89 minutes. That's what I call a guy who gets the fucking real job done.

3) Willie Beamen from Any Given Sunday

played by Jamie Foxx

Never before has a backup quarterback personified what the masses would consider 'cool', but Willie Beamen was a no-doubter. When hes not making defensive players look silly on Sundays with his 'better-than Mike Vick' moves, he's out lacing the track on rap videos, poppin bottles with high class- hoes, and doing ads for MetRx Protein Supplements. Jamie Foxx can not only act with the best of 'em, he also can sing a lot better than Chris Brown, and he would smack him around in a fight. I recommend everyone download the movie's theme song 'Any Given Sunday', with Jamie Foxx bringing a mean, passionate hook over some sweet Common and Guru rhymes...absolutely inspirational.

2) Jeffrey Lebowski aka 'The Dude' from The Big Lebowski

played by Jeff Bridges

The Dude trademarked the White Russian/fat spliff combination and wrote a check in a supermarket to purchase a 65 cent carton of half and half for his morning coffee. These are the rare qualifications for those skilled individuals who fall into the category of 'The Man'. The laid back Jeff Lebowski was also a stellar bowler, kicking ass and rackin' up strikes like Johan Santana. The Dude defeated some angry nihilists with his bare hands and was featured in a bowling-themed pornograpy film. This guy's got it made.

1) James Bond from Goldeneye through The World is Not Enough

played by Pierce 'the Essence of Cool' Brosnan

I would have mentioned the last Bond movie with Halle Berry in the pretext, but I didn't see it and I forgot what the hell the name was. James Bond is the most badass movie character of all time because he's REVOLUTIONIZED shit the common man wishes they can do.Who wouldn't want to be an uber-cool secret agent saving the world on multiple occasions. Who wouldn't want to drive the Ashton Martins on 20's through the 'hood. Bond has to pry chicks off his wang with a crowbar, and makes it all look so easy over a few shaken, not stirred martinis. His assistant 'Q' hooked Bond up with the latest in technologies, like that pimpin' Omega watch with the laser. I wish they had that type of shit at Radio Shack, instead of overpriced ethernet cables and defect-prone IPods. Vin Diesel tried to rip off Bond with his wannabe agent bullshit in XXX, but he wasn't even close....grab some bench Vin.

50 Cent's Fall From Grace

2008-01-08T12:33:00.000-05:00

In early 2003, I'm pretty sure the majority of people remember getting happily drunk while rockin' out to 50's 'In Da Club'. Just a few months earlier, he hit us with an instant classic in 'Wanksta'. His mainstream career had an electrifying beginning and it appeared as though 50 Cent and his band of cohorts, better known as the G-Unit, were on the fast track to capturing rap game supremacy.

Prior to the days of 'Get Rich or Die Tryin', 50's mixtape work was also pretty damn good. Whether he was on the track by himself, or with sidekicks Lloyd Banks and Tony 'I forge my passport' Yayo, 50 was sure to make something that you would be listening to for a while. The mixtape 'God's Plan', is also a record of note, and should be listened to by everybody who likes good old-fashioned rap. 50 also had some awesome solo albums released back in he day such as 'Power of the Dollar' and 'Guess Who's Back?'

In a few short years.....everything changed. If the question 'Guess Who's Back?' is asked today, the answer would be: certainly not you 50.

The rapper whose real name is Curtis "I get money at the expense of good rap" Jackson, began his decline in talent on G-Unit's first commercial album, 'Beg For Mercy', which was released in November of 2003. The album featured an in-depth look at G-Unit's newest member Young Buck, who would turn out to blow everybody else in the group away in terms of overall 'coolness.' Anybody who stabs guys with silverware at the Vibe Awards, is 'top-level' cool. I believe that Lloyd Banks might be the most talented in terms of skill, but Young Buck just makes better music, and he doesn't give fellatio on camera like Banks allegedly does. 50 Cent's lame factor began to rise after the Stunt 101 video, which showcased a conversation between him and Brandy at a car dealership. Brandy is acting as a car saleswoman, and this is ironic because later on Brandy would later commit some vehicular manslaughter in real life, Vince Neil from Motley Crue style. 50's lyrics on both the song and the album were subpar, and left real rap fans asking questions like, "what the hell is this guy trying to do? and "does he even try to write lyrics anymore?"

With his next album "The Massacre", came the initial single 'Disco Inferno'. After this joke of a musical composition, all hope was lost. Interesting enough; at this time 50 seemed to be at the height of his unmerited cockiness. He began to take several disrespect shots at great rappers, including Nas, Jadakiss, and Metric Ton Club representative Fat Joe. He was further soiling his already terrible songs and his reputation, with weak disses of guys clearly better than he is. It is also rumored around this time that 50 was discussing illegal activity with the police, and ratted out 'half of manhattan' according to Jadakiss' friend and fellow D Block member Sheek Louch.

Luckily justice was served, and 50 was ripped apart in responses by Nas, Jada, and Fat Joe, who arguably has the biggest tits in the industry, edging it out in a close battle with Jazze Pha and the now obscure Bone Crusher. The other members of D-Block, Styles P and Sheek Louch, also joined in the 'make fun of 50 on the track' studio shindig.

50's latest works feature a song with Ciara, whose gender is in question, and some other feeble attempts at a street-music revival. His record sales might be at record highs, however his respect as a man has been lost. He sold his soul to the commercial music business, and as a result hip-hop as a whole is negatively affected. I trust that in some beautiful utopian place somewhere, other up-and-coming artists don't make the same mistake, and avoid making a conscious effort to make terrible music.

** 50 Cent is no longer good. Please stop encouraging him. This message is brought to you by a Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

The Importance of Hip-Hop in American Culture

2008-01-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

Over the years, the entire hip-hop culture has not failed to captivate me. It goes far beyond just the matching fitted New Era caps and stories of D-Block artist J-Hood's extensive knowledge of 'bitches and money, rims and guns.' I feel as though ideal hip-hop is a symbol of what man is capable of at his finest. It goes beyond the beat-boxes and b-boys. It goes way past the mixtapes and the freestyling and the emcee battles. It shows that a man (or woman) with a dream and a passion for the art, who is confident in his own abilities and comfortable in his own skin, can go as far as he wants. Hip-Hop has provided an escape for impoverished youths in underdeveloped areas to achieve social mobilty in a society that is pretty much against it. It has allowed those without a voice to speak and be heard. For me, Hip-Hop is a positive boost of energy, and a way to blow off some steam.

Whether I'm up in the morning on the way to school, about to engage in an iron-pumping session, or about to smoke somebody in wiffleball; a little Young Buck or Nas gets me ready to excel that day in whatever I feel is important. Being I'm not a violent man, listening to Styles P rap about smacking somebody at 6 AM with the 'wake-up glock', can be just as effective as whooping somebody's ass. Listening to politically and socially conscious emcees such as Common, the Roots, Mos Def, and Talib Kweli rock the mic' are also some enlightening choices for thought-provoking content. I feel as though my favorite rappers speak to me as the words of champion poets Shakespeare and Wordsworth spoke to their listeners.

With all the good Hip-Hop has to offer, today's perversion of the craft has its setbacks as well. The popular Hip-Hop of today has veered so far from the course of individual expression. Lame, nerdy-ass record executives that control the music industry have polluted the airwaves with generic and unoriginal music; giving the entire genre a bad name to the uninformed. These guys know about as much about music as the Enron clowns know about moral business practices. In the mid-1990's, Tupac and Biggie transcended the artform and paid the ultimate price for it. Now, talent impostors such as Lil Wayne and Soulja 'Why the fuck am I on the radio?' Boy are passed off as posterboys for rap. Many much more talented rappers (such as the rap duo Atmosphere) are kept out of deserving limelight, because they don't fit the description of what 'sells'. As a suburban young adult from Seaford, NY (known to most as the world's whitest town ever), many would be quick to question my Hip-Hop credentials, however the music and the culture at its purest eliminate racial lines. Like the underground rapper Nick 'Murs' Carter once said:

"Good music transcends all physical limitsIt's more than something that you hear, it's something that you feel..

When the author and experience and passion is real"

To me, Hip-Hop is more than just music. It is a medium of personal expression. Hip-Hop garners the many facets of the human soul manifest as a few poetic words rhymed over a beat. Armed with my shitty Ipod (Fuck you and your defective products Steve Jobs) and its large rap song collection, I will bring some goddamn flavor to those around me.

Is God-Awful Television Responsible for the Downfall of America?

2008-01-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

When one takes an extended look at the majority of the youth of America, it's pretty safe to say that everything's probably fucked. As ignorance, obesity, hard drug use, unmerited violence, and way too many utterances of the word 'bro' are rampant among the younger generations, one must examine these problems at the source. Well....who or what is responsible for this pervasive lessening of moral values?

I could be completely wrong, but I feel as though the lack of good television shows are the main carcinogen in this cancerous society we live in. When I was growing up, there was never a shortage of good television. Timeless classics like 'X-Men', 'Space Ghost', 'Doug' (Both the Nickelodeon and the Disney versions), and 'Recess' made for quality entertainment. Watching Wolverine and Cyclops tear shit up on Saturday mornings; kept me off the streets, out of gangs, and in school. I remember looking forward to it, chilling with a fat-ass bowl of Cookie Crisp, ready for a long block of first-rate TV. Now, the kids today have to resort to wack programming like 'Hannah Montana'. Any culture that gives unwarranted fame to the offspring of shitty country music singers has to rework its infrastructure a bit.

The better version of NFL Prime Time is not even on Sunday evenings anymore, and if I had to watch 'The Suite Life of Zack and Cody' and 'Laguna Beach' growing up, I might have resorted to heavy drug use and gang violence as well. Kids younger and younger are getting knocked up and wreaking all kinds of havoc on the streets; making society unsafe for productive law abiding citizens such as myself.....

One can take the easy way out and blame parents, but inept network executives and their bad ideas are the main ingredients for the degeneration of a stable civilization.

NFL Draft: Christmas in April

2008-01-08T12:01:00.001-05:00

For most diehard football fans, immediately after the Super Bowl parties close out and another unsatisfying halftime show is in the books, (nobody wants to see a pedophile's sibling get groped by an NSYNC representative) we begin to get excited for late April's NFL Draft. Although the free agency period comes first chronologically, many organizations feel the draft is the most important element in rebuilding the missing pieces of their teams' yearly puzzles.

Around draft time, ESPN's draft guru Mel Kiper comes out of the woodwork with his trademark comb-over hairstyle and spouts off his endless knowledge of college prospects. Year after year, nothing is more fun to watch than hearing Kiper discuss everyone from the superstars of LSU and USC to the waterboys and fourth quarterbacks on Air Force. As the weeks lead up to draft day, a guy's draft stock can rise and fall at the drop of a hat without even playing in any games. More often than not, variables such as 40-yard dash times, combine workouts, off the field incidents, what a guy orders at Denny's, and comparisons to other players play a larger role in where a guy is drafted, rather than his actual college statistics.

It usually takes a few years to evaluate how well a team's draft really was, because it takes most guys a bit of time to adapt to the pro game. This is especially true for young quarterbacks. For every guy who steps right in and dominates, theres countless guys who end up getting cut and moving on to great careers in auto insurance, real estate, or male prostitution. This brings to mind the story of Ryan Leaf. Leaf was taken 2nd overall in the 1998 NFL Draft by the San Diego Chargers, after Peyton Manning was taken by the Indianapolis Colts. Peyton went on to be one of the better quarterbacks (and endorsement stars) in history already, while Leaf screamed at reporters and now likes painkillers too much. Kurt Warner went from undrafted supermarket stockboy to Super Bowl MVP with the Rams' 'Greatest Show on Turf' in 1999. On draft day...many NFL fans will either be satisfied with their drafts or they will scream curse words and throw dense, heavy objects at the televisions; wishing a violent death to their teams' scouting departments and general managers. Sometimes one good draft is all it takes for a team to go from the cellar of obscurity to the ceiling of prominence.

Many mock drafts will try to predict who goes where, and many mock drafts will be terribly wrong. That's the beauty of it all, its all a crapshoot. Some guys will be considered 'can't miss' prospects, and totally suck. Some guys will go undrafted and go to Pro-Bowls. Forrest Gump's chromosome-lacking ass said "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get", but he was clearly referring to the NFL Draft.