Return of The Mack

MSNBC.com has published another mind-blowingly pointless story(almost of fox-news proportions), this time about a 9-year-old 4th grader who wrote (and had published) a book on the art of seduction. That’s right. If you don’t believe me, the link is below.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28038281/?GT1=43001

The kid apparently observed his peers around the playground trying to put the mack down, and wrote down his findings in a notebook. He now apparently gets approached by people with courting inquiries, and gets to go on book tours. I don’t care how pathetic my dating life can get, (which doesn’t get much better than a few mediocre-to-ugly chicks every couple of months), I still wouldn’t ask a 9-year-old for advice, and you shouldn’t either. He’s probably not allowed to be UP, let alone OUT, past 8:00 PM on weeknights without getting a nice helping of belt-buckle imprints on the side of his dome from his angry, drunken father.


Note: I’m not being a hater here, I’m just pointin’ things out…

What goes on in these 4th grade playground pimpin’ proceedings (no alliteration intended), that made this kid think he was such a self-proclaimed Casanova?

Boy: Hi. I like the Rugrats!
Girl: Me too!
Boy: Blow me.
Girl: Ok!

(^^ doubtful scenario, but you never know with these kids these days)

I don’t even know where to begin with the insanity, but I’ll try to start somewhere. First of all, he’s 9 fucking years old. He probably doesn’t even know how his dick works yet. I can barely understand mine. What the hell could he possibly know about women? About anything, for that matter? I’m going to be 23 tomorrow, and I still have the emotional maturity of an amoeba. I don’t see how this kid could be any better off. (Right now anyway, I can’t say for when he’s my age…he might just snap under the pressure of fame, and kill somebody by then.) The last time somebody was considered to be a ladies man that young, he turned out to be Michael Jackson.
Seriously, what happens if this kid decides later on that he likes dudes? Then the people who published the book, and the people who interviewed the kid, are going to look like fairly big fools.

He is referred to as a ‘dating expert’. Incredibly pretentious on his part. He has neither the authority nor expertise to publish such a manuscript. No way can a 9-year-old fully understand the workings of the female sexual psyche through the blunders of a few nimrods on a fucking playground. Plus, anyone can talk a big game. Let’s see this kid in action. Let’s see him go up to a supermodel or porn star and run his ‘video games and ice cream’ crap on her and see if it works. I bet the little prick will be walking back with his tail between his legs. Like the rapper Big L once said. ‘Put your raggedy house up [brother], or shut your mouth up.


This would be like me watching a 30-minute show on quantum physics or gene splicing, and then trying to write a book about it to establish myself as an authority in the field. If I really tried to do this, I bet it sure as fuck wouldn’t get published – and I would be regarded as less of a man than I already am. Maybe I will try it though, just to get my own book tour and video feature on MSNBC.com.

Later on in the interview, the kid classifies chicks into two categories: ‘pretty’ and ‘regular girls.

Here is his quote.

“Well, pretty girls … all they care about is their looks. She doesn't care about a boy liking her, or how a boy feels about her. It's just, "Oh, do I look nice?" Regular girls can be pretty, too. Plus, a regular girl has other things on her mind and is fun to be around.”

While there may be a bit of surface infantile truth to his sentiments, it still leaves a lot to be desired. He neglects to mention the other well-known category of women, the ones that don’t respect the men themselves, but only really like their cars and wallets and girthy (probably a fake word) meat sticks. He’ll figure that one out later on…

Well if ‘a regular girl can be pretty, too’, what’s the point of classifying them in the first place? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Plus if I were a girl, I wouldn’t want to be grouped with the rest of the ‘regulars’…I’d feel insulted and shortchanged. You know how these women are. Plus, what exactly even constitutes a ‘regular girl’? Feedback is encouraged.

Even though I dislike 50 Cent now, a few years back he had used the phrase ‘regular bitch’ in the song ‘Patiently Waiting’, and used it in a strictly insulting manner.

“Your Bitch a regular Bitch
You calling her Wifey
I fucked her... feed her fast food
You keepin' her Icey”

The kid and 50 clearly have a difference of opinion on the worth of a regular girl. And although 50 has since stopped making cool songs, he still has been romantically tied to several hot celebrities throughout his career, so in ‘matters of mack’, 50 has the more authoritative voice.


Now I’m not blaming the kid for this. More power to his 15 minutes of fame for duping the country into thinking he knows what he’s talking about. I'm blaming the jerks that are actually taking him seriously.