Entrance into the philosophical Doldrums: Madness ensues!

To quote myself before the start of this year’s NFL season:

“If the Jags go 4 and 12, I’m just gonna have to kill somebody.”

(Note: That’s 4 wins and 12 losses for those unfortunate few who may not understand sports record lingo/notation)

(Note 2: For any law enforcement agencies that may troll blog websites looking for cyber criminals: That comment was made in total jest, so put your firearms down and go after the real scoundrels.)

Well, great news awaits. My Jags have 9 impressive losses with three ‘should-lose’ games remaining, and look about as spirited as a Sudanese hospital’s Ebola virus ward. While I don’t have it in me to take the life of some unsuspecting prick, this does have a very draining effect on Sundays, which is supposed to be the most glorious day of the week.

When you’re a fan of an awful NFL team that keeps getting their asses kicked every week, it’s a feeling of bitterness comparable to being Scrooge on Christmas before his psychotic ghost-induced epiphany. Except the ghosts of Jaguars’ past are all retired or crippled by now, and probably want nothing to do with the franchise... (And they definitely won't visit me on Christmas Eve in an attempt to quell my dissapointment..)

My mother is becoming more of an intolerable pain in the ass with each passing minute, (for anybody that knows my mother, you may find that particularly humorous), and the monotonous daily grind is ruining my optimism and clawing away at the inner fringes of my soul.

What is left is another entrance into a fun – and maddening - existential crisis.
Fun: because it gives you a fresh perspective on things that you hate.
Maddening: because the answers to life’s burning questions can only hope to reveal themselves through the passage of time.

I actually don’t even hate my job; it’s just a bit taxing to shake off the gut-wrenching effects of having to hear slight variations of the following boring office voicemail greetings… hundreds of times a day:

“[Insert generic business person’s name here] has ‘stepped’ away from their desk.”

Many finish with the following line- that contains NO sincerity whatsoever.

“Your business is important to us.”… Leave a message and [generic business person’s name] will get back to you at their earliest convenience.”

^^^ DAMN LIES.

One anonymous guy even goes as far to make a note that "he'll be in and out of meetings over the Thanksgiving Holiday..." What kind of cryptic shit is that? And unless I've been cruely misinformed...'Thanksgiving' itself only lasts 24 hours; eerily similar to a lot of other days of the year.

Assuming I leave about 150(generous approximate figure) voicemails in a productive work WEEK, (Productive as in only taking breaks every 10 minutes instead of 5) maybe only 3 or 4 total people will get back to me. I’m not even joking.

I’m then left to wonder…what could these people do all day that prevents them from dealing with a 3-second phone call that so often ends with something to the effect of: “Not interested..no advertising budget.” or “Not interested..my company sucks.”?

My experiences with these so-called industry professionals lead me to speculate that the current financial problems are not the result of shoddy ‘expert’ advice, people unable to repay debts, or irresponsible money lending – but maybe the result of people in the mortgage industry just refusing to answer their phones. Ever. That has to be it. It makes perfect sense…

These people claim ‘the market is tough right now’ as an excuse for their lack of business balls to make any moves…but I’m not buying it. There’s a simple solution:

Answer your phone, dickheads. Return some calls once in a while. Then maybe you’ll have some more customers, and you won’t be out of business in two weeks. Problem solved. You don't have to shrink or expand your target market, or even come up with exciting marketing gimmicks. Just sit down at your fucking desk for a few minutes...reach out your hand..pick up the phone..and use it. Holy Jesus.

Even if I don’t reveal my identity as an evil ad solicitor, they still don’t answer the majority of the time. What happens if I was offering them millions of dollars, or eternal salvation, or entrance to the fountain of youth? Would they still be ‘in a meeting’ or ‘on a 8-hour conference call’ or ‘having afternoon luncheons with their favorite prostitutes’ then?

What I’ve come to discover, is that in order to make MY job easier, many of these companies should have alternate greetings that say this:

“Hello! It’s a great day at [insert generic company name]! If this is Gerard calling from the Mortgage Press, don’t bother leaving a message! We only have so much mailbox space, and we’re saving it for the real customers! We’re certainly not advertising, AND we hate you”

This should then be followed by a touch-tone prompt that says:

“If this isn’t Gerard, press 1:
“Go ahead and leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Really.”

I wouldn’t be insulted in the least if this actually happened. In fact, I’d really appreciate the workplace integrity.

This is the type of shit you think of when you've veered too far from functional sanity. Thanks for your support.