After watching the penultimate James Bond movie Casino Royale, it has come to a unanimous decision within the tribunal of myself, myself, and myself - that James Bond (even without being portrayed by the immortal Pierce Brosnan) will retain the current title of ‘Illest Motherfucker Ever’ for at least the next 6-8 months, or until somebody does something more noteworthy within that time.
Bond of course was honored in my Top 5 Most Badass Characters in the History of Cinema piece back in January, and our fictional public relations people got a hold of the real James Bond live via satellite. He took a break from the fast-life of MI6 recon missions and international superpimpin’, for a little espionage-related Q & A session.
Bond: Yea this is Jimmy, what can I do for ya?
Me: James, thanks for joining us today. I’m a huge fan of your body of work, and It would be tough for anybody to deny that you’re one smooth bastard. Welcome to the worst website the net has to offer.
Bond: Yea, thanks I guess. Good to be here. What is this for again?
Me: …It’s an interview for my no-budget website. I wanted to ask a few questions about the supercharged secret-agent lifestyle for the readers at home. You wouldn’t happen to have a cold or something would you? You sound a bit different. I assumed you had a British accent in real life...
Bond: British? What the hell are you talking about kid? I’m from Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.
Me: Wisconsin, huh? I always took you as a guy who enjoyed the warmer weather parts of the world. After all, you’re always cruising the blocks in those flashy convertibles that pale in comparison to my platinum Saturn.
Bond: Convertibles!?! Ha I wish. I had my license suspended years ago for driving around the neighborhood sloshed, and my wife drags my ass around in a ‘96 Ford Windstar that looks like somebody took a baseball bat to the side of the damn thing. Who’s giving you your information here, and how did you get my phone number?
Me: Disappointing drop-off Bond. Wouldn’t expect that coming from you. Anyway, who do you think did a more authentic job depicting your on-screen persona - Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery? I was always more of a Brosnan fan myself.
Bond: Nah I don’t like either of those Welsh knuckleheads. I like the old time guys.. John Wayne, James Cagney, Gary Cooper…now those guys could act, Goddammit.
Me: Neither Brosnan nor Connery were Welsh. And none of those other guys ever played you in a movie.
Bond: Played what? Who said they did? Why would I be in a movie?
Me: Hmm…Obviously this isn’t going in the direction I first saw, so on with the next question. Out of all the high-tech gizmos you’ve been able to use over the years in your world saving exploits, what was your personal favorite? I always wanted to get my hands on that Omega watch with the laser-capabilities so I wouldn’t have to rely on the archaic hand saw when trying my hand at some woodworking projects. Your thoughts?
Bond: Eh.. I’m not really in with all this new stuff but my sister-in-law bought me one of those plastic blenders a few years ago for my 30th wedding anniversary. I've been mixin the 'sauce in it ever since. How many more questions here? I’m a little busy...
Me: Just one more, James. It seems as though your actual life is a lot less interesting than the way Hollywood makes you out to be, but, how many times in a given day would you say you introduce yourself to people with your last name first, followed by a pause – and then an emphatic resound of the entire “James..Bond”, for dramatic effect?
Bond: I don't think I've ever done that. I usually just go by ‘Jimmy’.
There you have it... Bond like you’ve never seen him before.
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