Top Ten Greatest People in Human History (10-6)

I haven't done any countdowns in a while and they're always the most fun to do because of their built-in suspense and debate provoking factors, regardless of whether they're serious or not. Usual work task negligence has spurred me to come up with a list of the greatest contributors in the relatively short history of mankind. This is in my eyes of course, as many historical pundits might argue the 'grand-scheme of things' importance of some of the list's representatives.

10 - Marilyn Monroe

"A career is born in public -- talent in privacy" - Marilyn Monroe

"Everybody loves tits" - Gerard Fitzgerald

Credentials: Marilyn Monroe, aka Norma Jeane Mortenson, had a storybook career that entailed marriage to one of the greatest hitters of all time in 'Joltin' Joe D, alleged flings on motorcycles with resident stud JFK, a few mediocre movies, and the reputation as one of the earliest American sex symbols. With a resume that included being the first ever cover-girl for then risque Playboy (always a poor excuse for a real man's porno magazine), Marilyn's accomplishments let every future woman around the world with a dream and a sweet pair of tits believe that they have a shot in this sick, cold world. A normal list might have included Joan of Arc at this spot, but frankly she probably just wasn't hot enough, and she didn't slam any U.S. Presidents or Hall of Fame outfielders.

9. Ötzi the Iceman

"....." - Translation Unknown

Credentials:

While his tangible contributions to mankind may be limited (perhaps a few fires lighted with sticks, or a few extinct mountain-dwelling animals hunted), the lasting contributions of Ötzi simply can not be ignored. Ever since his 1991 discovery by a couple of German tourists in an Alps glacier, Europe's oldest mummy(circa 3300 BC) has shed light on human life during the Chalcolithic (Copper) Period - where tools made out of copper instead of stone began to surface. Otzi was a rare blend of size and speed in those days and had NFL scouts salivating at his 5'4, 110 lb physique. According to Wikipedia, "Ötzi's clothes were quite sophisticated. He wore a cloak made of woven grass and a coat, a belt, a pair of leggings, a loincloth and shoes, all made of leather".

Not only did this guy create some nifty tools, but he was also quite fashion savvy.

Therefore, it was the creativity of Otzi and his precocious contemporaries, that was responsible for future sweat shops, , factories, the industrial revolution, Nike,- and eventually communism.

8. Bill Walsh, NFL Head Coach 1979-1988

"He was a great conductor that took tremendous pleasure from putting the pieces of the orchestra together." — Former 49ers star Brent Jones.

Credentials: One of few men that actually belong on this list, and the most brilliant mind behind the legendary West Coast Offense - Bill Walsh coached the 49ers to three Super Bowl victories in the 1980s. He was inducted into the NFL's Hall of Fame in 1993, and his press conference clips were included in one of the best Coors' Light commercials before they started getting really lame and banal. The careers of NFL icons Jerry Rice and Joe Montana (as well as the start of Steve Young's career) all flourished under Walsh' tutelage.

While his accomplishments on the sidelines (and in the beer advertising realm) speak for themselves, Walsh's influence, direction, and philosophies extended beyond his own players, and have spilled onto the coaching ranks throughout the NCAA and the NFL. The fact that Walsh has had more disciples than Jesus over the years, can be seen in this coaching tree. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walsh_Coaching_Tree3.GIF. (Note: the worst thing that Bill Walsh's disciples have done is lose a few ballgames and get fired; many of Jesus' disciples have started wars, claimed tax exemptions while touching little kids, and bombed abortion clinics.[Note- Sidenote: I don't hold Jesus is at fault for the transgressions of his supporters).

7. Alexander the Great, Conqueror 353-326 BC

"There is nothing impossible to him who will try.”" - Alexander the Great

Credentials: Hands down, the coolest monopolizer/conqueror (and arguably the most famous half-Macedonian) in the history of mankind.

Wikipedia claims that "Alexander and his exploits were admired by many Romans who wanted to associate themselves with his achievements...Julius Caesar wept in Spain at the mere sight of Alexander's statue; when asked to see other great military leaders, Caesar said Alexander was the only great one." He did what Julius Caesar tried and failed to do centuries before, which was take over the damn planet, and did it a lot better without getting shanked by a mob of his homies.

Alex the Great was schooled by Aristotle, encouraged relations with exotic, foreign women (pumps fist), and was hailed as the 'demi-god' largely responsible for Hellenization throughout the bulk of the ancient world (from Greece, through Egypt, all the way to the Himalayan mountains). And, he definitely was not as gay as they depicted him in the movie. Fuck you, Hollywood.

6. Bernabe Williams

"Don't be afraid to take risks. Make the most of your journey. Make it fun and exciting." - Bernie Williams

I love this guy...(no homo)

Very few men in history have had the illustrious hallmark career that Bernie has had without 'roids and adultery. Not many guys have taken naps during batting practice, and woke up to go 3-for-4 in a playoff game (loosely quoting Derek Jeter from Bernie's 'Yankeeography'). Not too many guys have been the heart and soul of four World Series champion teams. And as far as I know, only ONE MAN IN HISTORY has eight consecutive .300 seasons, four American League Gold Gloves in Centerfield, a batting title, capture of the Major League Postseason Home Run record (before Manny broke it) AND a smooth-sounding jazz/soul guitar record. (http://www.berniewilliams.com/)

And to cap it all off, Bernie has been called 'the best player in baseball' by me at least 67 different times, all of which meant to be statements of 105% sincerity. He has also had his name invoked in efforts to win arguments on topics that may have been completely unrelated to baseball or jazz music.

as the famous catchphrase goes....

Bernie Fuckin' Baseball

Stay tuned for 5-1 in the next installment.