The Mock Job Interview..

I'm sure it comes as a big surprise to my readers (and to myself, believe me) that at this point in time I've actually held a field-related full-time job for more than thirteen days. Every day I don't get fired is one more day I surpass everybody's expectations, so I'm basically playing with house money every time I step in the office.

Really, the big shocker is that in order to get hired for this particular job, I had to painfully swallow my pride, and find a way to hide my idiocy for a few minutes during the whole interview process. Being that it took me a bunch of interviews, numerous debts accumulated, one failed job-experiment, and one entire summer to find a job worth holding onto for at least two weeks; this leads me to believe that I suck incredible balls at giving a proper job interview. Luckily even a blind squirrel finds a nut eventually. (Unless that blind squirrel is Gov. David Patterson, who just finds sex with other women that aren't his wife. To quote Denzel from American Gangster.."MY MANNNN")

I made fun of the resume, the cover letter - and now it's time to insult the whole idea of the dreaded 'interview'. While everyone agrees that many of these questions asked at the interviews are utterly ridiculous - people still find it in them to give trite and overused 'yes-man' answers, that don't come close to distinguishing them from their 'just-as-boring' peers - probably because they want to get hired. Nobody intentionally goes into an interview just to sabotage their chances with moronic answerS and improper job decorum (I might have done so a few times by accident), but WHAT IF....

The following dramatization looks at what might occur in this scenario. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The answers to the following questions, in no way reflect the views of the writer of this website....

2:39 PM Loud gum-chewing job-seeker walks into closed-door formal office setting dressed in clearly appropriate attire for the occasion (athletic shorts, ratty T-shirt with sweat stain right above the right breast, and fitted cap placed on head backwards and to the side) - gives interviewer a fist pound instead of a proper handshake, sits down before being asked to, and rudely puts feet up on the interviewer's desk while tossing documents in her direction.

Interviewer: Good afternoon, Mr. Fitzpatrick. I see you've done a bit of shopping at Men's Warehouse for our appointment today.

Fitzpatrick: Heyyyyy what's going on. Good to be here. Yea sorry I'm late. Alarm's been malfunctioning lately so I woke up about an hour ago, grabbed a quick bite and didn't really have time to get ready. But I wanted to make a good impression and get here before 3. Nice place though I gotta say.

Interviewer: Well you were supposed to be here at 2, but I'll let it slide since you clearly want to be a part of this company. Anyway lets begin.

Fitzpatrick: Alright, shoot.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Aside from a very sharp dresser and an early-riser....

Fitzpatrick: Oh stop it....you and your compliments. Good question to start things off. Get the brain firin' off a little...Well, for starters, I might consider myself the greatest man who's ever lived. I don't really have any merits or accomplishments to prove it though...more of an intangible, poor man's Derek Jeter kind of greatness.

Interviewer: Very good. What specific goals have you established for your life?

Fitzpatrick: I've given that question some pondering before, and I definitely want to eventually own my own child labor ring. I always wanted to give back to the community. What better way to do it than to put kids to work?! I was always into crunching numbers and gang violence too, so I thought maybe I could be a successful drug money accountant for the Bloods or the Crips.

Interviewer: Both interesting and benevolent. That's just what we're looking for here at Maverick Enterprises. How has your college experience prepared you for a business career?

Fitzpatrick: Well all the blunts, beers, Madden, and missed classes definitely gave me a clear outlook for my future. If my career entails staring at the ceiling at 1 in the afternoon with a headache, I feel as though my experience and potential elevate me to the cream of the crop.

Interviewer: Which is more important to you, high performance on the job itself or your salary?

Fitzpatrick: Obviously the salary mam. Doesn't really matter to me if the job is completed or not, as long as I see those figures in the bank account. I think it would be in both the company's and the economy's best interests, to pay me as much as possible for mediocre results. I'd feel like a Major League Pitcher in that regard.

Interviewer: Luckily for everybody I think we are almost finished here Mr. Fitzgerald. Just one more question. Give me an example of an important goal which you had set in the past and tell me about your success in reaching it.

Fitzpatrick: That's an interesting question in that I have a pretty recent response to it. The other day me and some fellow successful friends decided to grab some lunch together. We had all initially agreed on various sandwiches at a local deli. However, after we were informed that the deli would be closed that day, we had to formulate a new lunch plan. With precious seconds wasting and the threat of disaster at large, I had suggested we go to a Chinese restaurant located adjacent to the deli. Everyone complied, and our goal of a group lunch effort was reached. Not only did I show leadership skills in masterfully leading the team to the Chinese restaurant, but I was able to think on my feet, overcome the unexpected adversity of a closed deli, and find the resiliency deep within to still complete what we set out to do that day. I think that's what every company needs in a model employee.

Interviewer: Well looks like our time is up here Mr. Fitzpatrick.
:: Raises to shake hands with Fitzpatrick::

Interviewer: I'll forward your documents to the powers that be and we'll be in contact.
I thank you for taking the time to interview for our open position. In the meantime I suggest you get the fuck out of my office and never call this company again. Good afternoon.

::Pushes Fitzpatrick out and slams door shut:::

If only...




The above questions have been mocked from http://www.quintcareers.com/interview_question_database/interview_questions.html