5. Nasir "God's Son" Jones, Best Rapper Ever
"My mic check is life or death, breathin a sniper's breath
I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps"
-Nas, 'It Aint Hard to Tell'
Credentials: Any man who is capable of a poetic street masterpiece such as the 1994 album Illmatic - and any man whose superior talents place him at the apex of hip-hop for so long - deserves a spot in the top five of any list - even if that list happens to include the greatest people in history. After all, everybody knows good rappers are more important for the benefit of the status quo than someone unimportant, like doctors (unless it's Doctor Dre, who serves as both a rapper/producer, and a member of the American Medical Association) or police officers.
(Side Note -A counter-argument against the 'importance' of rap may say that some rappers lie or embellish their own reputation and status in their rhymes. Well, the same can be said for politicians - except you can't just turn off the radio or a politician's multi-platinum CD when you don't want to hear his nonsense anymore - and rappers don't usually raise your taxes.)
If that doesn't sell you on Nas' credentials, this definitely will.
In the 2001 song 'Got Yourself a Gun', Nas explicitly specifies in writing, the reasoning why he is placed in such high regard among both fellow rappers and the other nine members of 'History's Greatest People'.
"My first album had no famous guest appearances-
The outcome: I'm crowned the best lyricist"
There you have it. Legally binding claim recorded on-wax. Nas' newest album, 'Untitled', happens to be one of the most though provoking, inspirational albums I've ever heard.
4) Jesus "H" Christ, World Messiah (circa 0-33 AD), (or 6BC-27AD) ?
"Jesus is a hunk"
-Mary Magdalene to Vogue Magazine, Fall of 29 AD
Credentials: Although there have been claims refuting a large portion of the historical accuracy of Jesus' existence and/or accomplishments, I don't see that as a reason for leaving
God's other Son out of the top five equation. As the stories go, Jesus had a few world religions started because of his teachings, had an entire half of a holy-book written about him, healed blind men and lepers with his bare hands (even with primitive medical know-how of the times), raised a guy from the dead, and resurrected himself after only three days of death. Not to mention he's considered the only real 'model-citizen' left. Pretty impressive stuff.
However, I think his biggest accomplishment was morphing water into wine at a wedding to keep the bride and the groom from realizing they both just made the biggest mistake of their lives for a few more hours. That would be an incredibly valuable skill these days, considering the rising costs of ethanol, and the high statistical failures of the modern marriage. If Jesus' 'wine-morphed-water' was readily available, there would be less poor and homeless people. Instead of degenerate winos spending what little money they had on booze, they would be able to get sloshed for free, and invest their newly freed-up 'self-medication' funds into other areas - thus providing economic stimulation.
References to Jesus also have also become a semi-recent popular phenomenon on T-shirts and wristbands - including mention of Jesus as the 'homeboy' of various people; and rhetorical questions asked of 'what would he do?'(Side Note - Without giving a particular situation in mind, I think that question is rendered unanswerable without conjecture).
The only knock on Jesus' would be his 100% divinity keeping him from entering any future 'Mortal Kombat' Tournaments; and considering how boring they can be that might not be that big of a disadvantage. The mystery remains however, not on whether or not he actually existed or what historical role he may have served, but on what the "H" in place of a middle name stands for. One may guess "Harold", "Humphrey", or "Herbert"; but considering Jesus' was a Jewish man of Middle-Eastern descent according to historical accounts, I'd say "Hershel" may be a better guess.
3) Denzel Hayes Washington, Actor
"Denzel at 3?. Great fuckin' actor man. What can I say?."
-Jesus Christ on Denzel Washington being 'greater'
Credentials: A rational human being that's not me (which is everybody else in case you needed that clarified) may ask why Denzel Washington, an actor who is reportedly 0% divine (although on the silver screen one might think otherwise), is above the likes of JC - esteemed by many as the savior of humanity. That's a question that's pretty easily answered if you look into it.
If you've ever seen 'Malcolm X', 'He Got Game', 'Training Day', 'American Gangster', 'Manchurian Candidate', 'Fallen', 'The Siege', 'Remember the Titans', 'John Q', 'Man on Fire', (etc..you get the idea) or any one of Denzel's other epics, then you'll know exactly why.
While Jesus may or may not have performed miracles, Denzel's Oscar for Best Actor in 'Training Day', is alive and well. Plus, Jesus was the first(and probably last) guy to perform miracles. Denzel was the second (and most recent) African American to win an Academy Award for Best Actor. Just like the NFL, - life is a 'what have you done for me lately' league - and Denzel's box office productivity has outshined Jesus' box office productivity in the past 1967 years. Movies have been made about Jesus of course, but none of which actually had Jesus playing himself, and that's a strike against him here. Passion of the Christ's frontman Jim Caviezel(http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001029/) would agree with me.
2) George Walker Bush, 'President, Leader of the Free World' 2000-2008
"I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers...
now watch this drive."
-Dubya on his golf gameTrue greatness comes to us in many forms.
Sometimes it manifests itself in the display of some kind of rare talent. Sometimes it shines through charisma, or endearing patience and virtue. Other times it appears through a man's iron will to achieve his goals despite all adversity.
A few dictionary definitions of 'greatness' read as follows.
"Unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity"
or
"important; highly significant or consequential"
Nowhere in the above descriptions of 'greatness', do the words 'Bumbling retard' appear. And that's why George W. is up here.
(Note - For those of you unfortunate souls that know me personally, the 'bumbling retard' segue was not meant to refer to myself)
Only a man who is truly great, can say such awe-inspiring statements such as: "And they have no disregard for human life" and "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully", and still have any kind of a job, let alone remain the United States President.
Despite the seemingly endless series of mishaps that occurred over the last 8 years, the most impressive thing that Bush has done was lose an election for a House of Representatives seat in 1978, only to come back with a vengeance. A man who isn't believed competent enough to represent his own state government at nearly the lowest possible level - should by no means EVER be denied election to the Presidency of his country years later. Pure greatness embodied.
We as Americans, (or Confederates, Canadians, Icelanders, Brazilians, Saudis, Kazakhs that aren't Borat, Mexicans, Tibetans, Phoenicians, or wherever the hell else we may be from), have learned a valuable lesson from the life's work of George W. Bush. No longer will men or women with single-digit IQ's be confined to play-pens and cells with padded walls. Now simply by being born into wealth and fucking up every possible opportunity, - they too, can rise to prominence and lead the masses into an era of unprecedented failure and bedlam.
And now, the greatest individual ever to walk the earth....
1) George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
Now for a George with a worthy talent that actually belongs on this list. Despite the fact that Carlin shared a slight visual resemblance to Charles Manson in his younger days, (see picture to right) Carlin couldn't have been further from a cult-leading psycopath.Carlin could take any topic or subject known to man (whether it was on its own interesting or not), no matter how racy, obscene, or irreverent - and turn it into a joke. Not just a simple or basic one-liner that offered a few snickers here and there - but a well-thought, hilarious, piercing, memorable tirade that ended with lots of laughs and stimulated minds. He used the humor in all facets of life as a way to unite and inform; and he didn't steal other people's jokes like some other lackluster pseudo[bad] 'joke tellers'. (Cough.....Dane Cook)
According to Wikipedia- "Carlin was present at Lenny Bruce's[another notable and controversial comedian] arrest for obscenity. As the police began attempting to detain members of the audience for questioning, and asked Carlin for his identification. Telling the police he did not believe in government issued IDs, he was arrested and taken to jail with Bruce in the same vehicle."<<<<<<>
Carlin taught the world to stop being a bunch of self-righteous pussies, and just go out there and have some fun. If it happens to be at the expense of somebody 'important', oh well.
For the better part of four decades, Carlin 'stuck it' to the man with his timeless, truthful, and humorous jabs at the obvious problems in society. His untimely death over the summer leaves us again with the sad knowledge that everybody cool is either dead or no longer gets the respect they deserve. Everything that sucks will continue to propagate, unless somebody puts a fierce stop to it. That someone..........
....is me. (cue dramatic music)
Honorable Mention
I know some worthy people were left out of the top 10. Here's a few who didn't quite make the cut, but had some valuable contributions to humanity.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - CREDENTIALS- Civil rights champion
Gerard Fitzgerald - CREDENTIALS- B.S. in Journalism from St. John's University, over 36 different jobs in the last five years, creator and mind behind landmark website Gpocalypse.blogspot.com
Leonardo Da Vinci - CREDENTIALS- Original Renaissance Man, inventor, artist
Mohandas Gandhi - CREDENTIALS- Spokesman for Satyagraha/civil disobedience
Rashean Mathis - CREDENTIALS- Jacksonville Jaguars standout cornerback, started in 2006 Pro Bowl and finished season with eight interceptions. Jaguars' franchise leader in defensive touchdowns
Franklin Roosevelt - CREDENTIALS- Only US President to be elected to more than two terms, helped lead nation out of Great Depression
0 comments:
Post a Comment